Locked Out of Heaven!

Go to YOU TUBE to see this official Bruno Mars video.  Love this song!   Also see the Saturday Night Live performance below!

What is Life

I just finished watching the Martin Scorsese documentary, George Harrison Living in the Material World. I have just wiped away the tears and for now I think it is just best to feel it and not explain much. I saw so much significant, profound, and moving stuff in this man and this great HBO special. It is now more obvious than before that the "quiet" Beatle was the most profound and deep of the Fab Four. The last words in the program were from his wife, who said that you would not have needed a light to film him leaving his body because the room was that bright. Harrison spoke about how important it was to leave his body at the right time and in the right way. He was sad that John Lennon didn't have that opportunity (even though he did leave it). George was prepared and ready! His life was truly a spiritual journey!

The Moment!

On Monday night I attended a Toad the Wet Sprocket concert with a beautiful friend in Providence RI. The club, Lupos Heartbreak Hotel, a former theater, was intimate in size and we had seats right up front. If you sift through my blog, or have been a reader, you know how important music and especially this music has been to me. I was aware of Toad's music, but only in a surface way through the songs most played on the radio, like All I Want. I owned several of their albums, but only listened to those few songs. Three years ago, I took on the project of converting all my music to digital files to listen on my computer, as well as from an MP3 player. (10,000 songs later, still not done) Well, in the week after Vicki's memorial service I was listening to those files randomly through my whole house music system. Any song could have played and they did, from The Beatles to Steely Dan to The Black Eyed Peas. But, while at my computer, I heard this melody that lured me enough to get up and go to find out what the name of the song was and who played it. It was of course, Windmills, by Toad The Wet Sprocket. I had never heard this song before! I listened closely and looked at the lyrics and was moved beyond words. When I first heard it that day I could sense Vicki's presence near me. This was the first time, but not the last that I would feel this presence during the year or so after she died. Anyhow, the music seemed spiritual, heavenly and light. Ethereal is probably the best word to describe what I felt. Mystery, to use author Richard Rohr's word for God in Falling Upward. I looked up the review of the album and this is what it said. The title of the CD is Dulcinea....

"Dulcinea is Toad the Wet Sprocket’s fourth release. Without changing the formula too much, they conjured up 12 more hooks, stretching them ever so slightly to make the alternative tunes a bit edgier and the mellow ones a little folkier, and scoring a couple of modest hits along the way with “Something’s Always Wrong” and “Fall Down.” One of the thematic threads of Toad’s music has always been a certain spirituality, a sense of awe and wonder in regard to life and death. Dulcinea exploits and explores that theme with reverence and humility, going so far as to close the album with “Reincarnation Song,” a delicate examination of a soul’s transition shrouded musically by a veil of electric guitar feedback. One of the best songs on this album, and perhaps their entire catalog, is “Windmills,” a moody look at the fragility and futility of existence that will cause not only the exquisite melody to linger with you, but contemplations of your own purpose in life. Every song on this record creates a world of its own that is impossible not to be drawn into."

Do you see the synchronicity? The mystery? I have not tried to understand, explain, or rationalize any of this. I just accept it as meaningful and mysterious. This began a journey with TTWS that is hard to explain and have anyone else feel, so I won't go that far here! Only those who have taken this sacred journey will understand. But songs like; Way Away, Fall Down, Good Intentions, Whatever I fear, I Will Not Take These Things for Granted and more seemed to each coincide with important themes in my life these three years since Vicki's passing. So seeing the band became a priority and I finally got the chance. It was a great concert and they played all the best songs and sounded great! I was jumping out of my seat when they announced they will be releasing a CD of all new music in 2012 and they played two of them Monday night. I was hardly able to stay in my seat! Here is one.....The Moment....




I tend to explore what interests me deeply, and so I have been exploring Toad's music closely and especially Glen Phillips, the lead singer/songwriter. That is his picture above. Here are a few excerpts from his story..."Phillips was born in Santa Barbara, California, United States, and began making music at age 14. Glen grew up in a household where Reform Judaism was practiced and Eastern Religion was studied, and his spiritual curiosity has been one of the major themes of his writing. Phillips began Toad the Wet Sprocket in 1986, at the age of 16. Phillips is frequently barefoot when performing with the band."

Yes he was barefoot at the Providence concert. I ordered from Amazon, and have enjoyed his solo work which began after a break in 2001. The titles of the CDs are Mr. Lemons, Ablulum, and Winter Pays for Summer. Here is the second new song that they performed that night. Friendly Fire....




I cannot wait for this Cd to be released.

My very first post was in April of 2009. It was titled, I Will Not Take These Things For Granted and contained the Toad song by the same name. So in a way I have gone through a full circle or cycle in deep meaning. In that post I said this....... "Anyway, I believe in the following quote, "Truth can only be expressed aesthetically--in story, picture, film, dance and music." This is a quote from "Dark Nights of the Soul" by Thomas Moore." I am sure you agree the word story, as mentioned in that quote, would include poetry, mythology, and even SONG LYRICS. In the book I have just read by Richard Rohr, Falling Upward, he is discussing the importance of myths in our spiritual journeys and he says, They hold life and death, the explainable and the unexplainable together as one; they hold the paradoxes that the rational mind cannot process by itself. As good poetry does, myths make unclear and confused emotions brilliantly clear and life changing. Lastly, I want to add another quote to create the trilogy of truth that was once explained to me as a very young man. I was told when you hear something three times...pay very close attention! The quote, which I found in Dark Nights of the Soul is from Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay, The Poet. .....the poet...."stands one step nearer to things" and "turns the world to glass." Clarity, truth, life changing...good terms for the last three years. All three quotes overlap and clearly support the idea of the sacredness of things in the secular world if your eyes are open and clear. I guess this would be a great spot for another Toad song that I am presently digging....Eyes Open Wide.....



I have much more to say about Falling Upward and Richard Rohr, but I will save that for the next post. I want to say one more thing. Thomas Moore points out that..."Many Poets and artists created their best work out of their emotional darkness." Finally, I'll end with the beginning for me and this Night Sea Journey. Ironically the quote is from Falling Upward.....Sooner or later, if you are on any classic "spiritual schedule," some event, person, death, idea, or relationship will enter your life that you simply cannot deal with, using your present skill set, your acquired knowledge, or your strong willpower. Spiritually speaking, you will be, must be, led to the edge of your own private resources. At that point you will stumble over a necessary stumbling stone, as Isaiah calls it; or to state it in our language here, you will and you must "lose" something. This is the only way that Life-Fate-God-Grace-Mystery can get you to change........ This, I think is where I have been........ This song is a great introduction to Falling Upward......



Thanks James!

A Ship for the Journey on the Sea!

I posted this song because I like it and because it struck a chord with me and the Night Sea Journey. The idea of traveling the sea, being immersed in the stuff where life brewed and ultimately fills us with the life essential liquid that sustains our bodies.

I also want to mentioned that my son, Bailey had auditioned for, and was selected to play in the Junior Festival Concert at the Fine Arts Center at UMASS Amherst. The event is sponsored by the Western District of the Massachusetts Music Educators Association. It was a beautiful (very spring like) and an awesome experience. I get very emotional when I hear or see excellence and hard work pay off. Bailey, as well as all the sixth through ninth graders represented the best of Western Massachusetts schools. I was moved and had a great time! The first video I am posting is the song, WINDRIDGE by David Myers in which Bailey played the snare. You can see him standing to the right of the conductor. The snare is not Bailey's best or preferred instrument, but he did have the highest percussion score in Western Mass of all that auditioned. He was very proud of this his work on this piece and worked hard with his teacher, Matt Gold at Williams College, and his former teacher at Herberg Middle School, Chris Unczur. I am very proud as well.



In the next piece, Into the Storm by Robert A. Smith, Bailey is just to the left of the conductor and he plays the xylophone, bells, and gong. Xylophone and Marimba are his instruments of choice!



One more choice (there were others) is Fantasy on Russian Air. Bailey is playing the Timpani and he is to the far right of the conductor!

Reality Bites

Shine It All Around

Vacation is over and I spent the day preparing lessons for the week. Readers may not see me posting for a while, but I will try. I am working to try to be more in shape to meet the challenge that life has given me. I joined Twitter and it is very cool. I can make quick comments and they post to my side bar.

Anyhow I am watching Robert Plant with Strange Sensation on Palladia. This is a high def channel with great sound and it sometimes features music I love. The song that grabbed was from Mighty Rearranger and called Shine It All Around. I found the exact performance on You Tube. Plant can still sing and is exploring great music.
Oh Yes....RJ......James, keep rockin'.

Pisces Fish for Black Pete

THIS BLOG ENTRY IS DEDICATED GRATEFULLY TO BLACK PETE

Conversations between Black Pete and fellow blogger RJ, as well as others, inspired this post. (Black Pete and RJ have an amazing blogs and you can find their links right here on my sidebar.) They have been discussing the Beatles and their evolving and changing connections to the Fab Four. I, for one, always liked McCartney the best. I know that Lennon was the driving force behind starting the Beatles and his issues also tore them apart. Lennon was an enigma at best, but I agree that the "quiet Beatle," George Harrison was under-appreciated by many. I think he was the one Beatle who TRULY embraced and communicated a spiritual sensitivity in his music right to the very end of his life! The word genuine comes to mind. I have read many articles in Rolling Stone about Harrison's kindness and generosity. He had many guitars and was known to give them away! Here is a review of his last Album which he recorded while he was fighting cancer and was completed with help from his son after he died....

George Harrison went quiet not long after the second Traveling Wilburys album, surfacing only for the Beatles' Anthology in the mid-'90s. He was recording all the while, yet he died before completing the album that would have been the follow-up to 1987's Cloud Nine. His son, Dhani, and his longtime friend/collaborator Jeff Lynne completed the recordings, released late in 2002, nearly a year after George's death, as Brainwashed. Given its baggage it's easy to be suspicious about the merits of Brainwashed prior to hearing it. Posthumous efforts often feel incomplete, Harrison's albums were frequently inconsistent, and Lynne favors ornate, cinematic productions that run contrary to George's desire for this project to be simple and low key -- nothing that would suggest that Brainwashed would be a success. Defying all odds, Brainwashed isn't just a success, it's one of the finest records Harrison ever made. No, it doesn't achieve the splendor of All Things Must Pass, nor is it quite of its time like both Living in the Material World and Cloud Nine were, but it's a quiet, subtle gem, one that strikes close to the heart of Harrison's music. It's intimate, alternately insightful and cheerfully lightweight, balancing his trademark black humor with silliness and good humor. Anyone searching the album for his views on mortality -- as he faced not only cancer, but an attacker that nearly took his life -- will surely find it, but this is not a somber album, it is a warm album, the sound of someone enjoying life without losing his wry sense of humor. This same spirit carries over to the music, with Harrison abandoning the idea of getting a hit and simply relaxing, primarily by playing a lot of ukulele and guitar. There aren't any major songs here and perhaps a tune or two could be pegged as throwaways by the cynical, but there are no down moments and it all holds together well -- better than most Harrison albums -- and it's a fitting way to say goodbye, every bit as good as Double Fantasy and, in some respects, even sweeter. ~ Stephen Thomas Erlewine, Rovi

Here is a song, Pisces Fish..




And the lyrics..

Rowers gliding on the river
Canadian geese crap along the bank
Back wheel of my bike begins to quiver
The chain is wrapped around the crank

Old ladies, who must be doggie training
Walking, throwing balls, chasing all the sheep
While the farmer stands around, and he’s complaining
His mad cows are being put to sleep
I’m a Pisces fish and the river runs through my soul

Smoke signals from the brewery
Like someone in there found the latest Pope
In a vat of beer that keeps pumping out with fury
While the church bell ringer’s tangled in his rope

But there’s a temple on an island
I think of all the Gods and what they feel
You can only find them in the deepest silence
I’ve got to get off of this big wheel

I’m a Pisces fish and the river runs through my soul
I’m a Pisces fish and the river runs through my soul

And I’ll be swimming until I can find those waters
That’s the one unbounded ocean of bliss
That’s flowing through your parents, sons and daughters
But still an easy thing for us to miss

Blades go skimming through the water
I hear the coxswain shouting his instructions about
With this crew oh, it could be a tall order
Have we time to sort all these things out?

Sometimes my life it feels like fiction
Some of the days it’s really quite serene
I’m a living proof of all life’s contradictions
One half’s going where the other half’s just been

And I’m a Pisces fish and the river runs through my soul
I’m a Pisces fish and the river runs through my soul
I’m a Pisces fish and the river runs through my soul

Weigh Away

This song appears in my music player, so it can be played anytime by anyone. I have also posted it before, and this morning it just hit me again as songs can do.....I am really swirling around lots of stuff......ideas...sadness..optimism...weight...betrayal....surprise...blessing...truth...untruth...and somewhere in the middle!


Lines of people to pass you by
Posing sympathy with their whitewash eyes
With the ladies feigning their mourning cries
And the men shaking hands:
Weigh away
Way away
All the pictures in your mind
As you're passed the thousandth time
Thousandth photograph
Listen to sympathetic lies
As their reasons change under mourning guise
With the gentlemen feigning sorrowed sighs
And drinking champagne:
Weigh away
Way away
As all the people pass and pose
You hold back the tears
And hold onto memories
Small talk hangs like a dirty cloud
Saying nothing real but deafening loud
An urge to run away from the crowd
And mourn all alone:
Make a promise to no-one
Wondering if you'd been worthwhile
Turn away from the chatter
And the hungry smiles

Also yesterday was Vicki's birthday, so I will post a video and great song that I made and posted a while back! In the first picture you will see my father who died at age 60 in 1993 dancing with Vicki at our wedding! There are many pictures of my father in Korea where he served in that war! There are also many of my mom and dad before they were married and it ends with one of me.

Spirituality of the Deep!

I have sat in front of this computer so many times trying to write a post and I just get frustrated and confused. I am not dead or stagnant, but instead in a dark night, and it is not an event or a feeling or a fleeting moment. It is a journey, and as Thomas Moore states in Dark Night of the Soul;

"that is not a challenge to be dealt with quickly or overcome........it cannot be dismissed so easily. It leaves a lasting effect and in fact, alters you for good. It is nothing to brag about.....it pushes you to the edge of what is familiar and reliable, stretching your imagination about how life works and who or what controls it all. The dark night serves the spirit by forcing you to rely on something beyond human capacity. It can open you up to new and mysterious possibilities."

I truly sense this fact too. I feel optimism. I feel possibility, but it is all so confusing. It is like reaching into a bag containing all the letters of the alphabet and you reach in knowing the endless possibilities the letters possess, but I cannot see what I am reaching to grab and I don't know what to spell. Does that make sense?

I am not a soul vampire or a person trying to manipulate anything. I am trying to get through each day as best as I can. The issues and problems I face are real, and yes, I suppose in some ways imagined, since we rarely see with perfect vision, but that doesn't make the issues any less important, painful, or less in need of care. It is a lonely journey. In therapy, my therapist has listened and supported me. She has pointed out that year two in dealing with the loss of a spouse can be the most challenging and I would have to say I agree. The support falls away and you are left alone to navigate this undulating sea. I understand that!


Perhaps this vivid and emotionally charged dream is a better way to try and explain. Bailey and I were at some kind of public attraction or event. It could have been anything from a carnival or berry picking or some other outdoor thing. It was a sunny day and there was a large flat screen TV showing highlights of previous days and visits. I remember staring and seeing something familiar. I squinted to see what looked like Vicki with two other people. As she walked closer, I could see it was her carrying a bag and she was with her bother and his wife as best as I could tell. At this point Bailey who was much younger than his 14 years (maybe 6 or 7) also saw her and slowly approached the screen. he put his out out and Vicki did too and they each touched the screen. Bailey in tears, kept repeating MOMMY! I began to cry and we moved out of the way of many other people who were also gathered there. I wrapped my arms around Bailey and we cried together while everyone watched mumbling about how strange we were, like we were doing something wrong. I remember knowing that no one understood and even ridiculed us a bit! I shared this dream in therapy which was vivid and remembered unlike many that I have had.


So, I have many thoughts and it all just seems mangled and confused. I have a new life that I am living but it just doesn't feel like mine yet. I get up at 4:30 everyday and get Bailey and I ready for school. I get to school by 6:45 and leave for home by about 4:00 most days. Then comes dinner and on three nights per week Bailey either has a basketball game or music practice. He has a major concert coming up at UMASS with the best young musicians in Western Massachusetts. I try to make Saturday a day for me, but I end up trying to get some house stuff done like laundry and other cleaning. Sunday ends up being anywhere from 6 to 8 hours of planning or grading compositions.

So, I guess that has left very little of what I used to love or be! Music, creativity and reading for myself! The hardest part is that only one person has stopped to ask one simple and caring question during the last 6 or 7 months as I have slipped under the current of this night. That question is, "Are you OK?"



I am just at a loss for words at this point! I am not trying to offend anyone or hurt a single soul! I feel a sense of a new life, but it just hasn't formed for me. I just don't know how to express it all and I don't want to burden anyone. I am exhausted too. I want to exercise to meet this challenge with more energy.



I have never been here before and I don't know how to do it well! Going back to the beginning of this post; my imagination is being stretched, I am trying to find that thing beyond human capacity on which I can rely and I sense new and mysterious possibilities. I am sorry if this isn't what some would want to hear to make them feel good. It isn't a bright shining place where it is easy to see, but a darker place where only if there is an inner light I can shine shine. I hope I have that inner light?

Toad and More!

Christmas and New Years Day have passed by and it is on to the real world of essays to grade and lessons to plan. I have always felt a bit of a let down after the holidays and in spite of an alcohol household growing up, I love the holidays! I am leaving the tree up till next weekend. It was fresh cut in Vermont by Bailey and I and very alive. Also, the 12 days of Christmas are not over. January 5 is twelfth night followed by Epiphany.

I received an e-mail from Glen Phillips of Toad the Wet Sprocket and in it there was a new and free song that they recommend sharing and posting. It was a gift to their fans as they are reforming as a band! COOL! Here is an excerpt from that mail.

Happy Holidays!

2010 is coming to a close, and Toad the Wet Sprocket is preparing for a busy 2011. We'll be touring throughout the year, and are excited to be switching up the set and adding some new surprises. Since we broke up in 1997, we haven't made much in the way of long term plans. That's changing this year - we're a band again. In honor of that change, and out of thanks to you all for sticking around so long, we want to give you a Christmas gift in the form of a song: Click here to download "It Doesn't Feel Like Christmas". The song was penned by our friend Sam Phillips, and we hope you enjoy it! If you'd like a friend to have it, please encourage them to join the mailing list as well. They will receive a link with their confirmation email. You can also share the song and post it on your interwebs (blog, FaceBook, wherever) via Bandcamp here. We'll see you on the road in the coming year.

Thanks!

-Toad

Here is the song off of You Tube....

Another cool development is that Bailey tried out for, and was chosen to play in the Western Massachusetts District Music Festival at UMASS this Spring. His point total from his audition gave him the highest score in Western Mass. That is what I said...Bailey is the best percussionist in the junior division in Western Massachusetts! Amazing! I am so proud and he is so talented. He teacher told me recently that Bailey has a future in music. I am happy, but also sad that others have ignored this talent!

Lastly, since before Thanksgiving the exterior of my house is undergoing a complete restoration. A back mud room that was poorly added has been torn off and a deck added. New siding is being installed. It is almost done and it looks great just as our tree did this year.

So for those who care to ask (and not a single person has) I am not caught in some dark, morbid wallowing in mourning of Vicki's death. I receive support from my therapist and I am in a place that seems to be typical for someone who has encountered what I have. The hard part is the life stuff. The responsibility that I have taken on that two people once did! Only one person has ever commented to me in a right on the mark kind of way. Ironically the person was an assistant teacher who works in my room and one day at lunch she said, "It must be very demanding to be a single dad and do this job! You must be exhausted!" I am paraphrasing her, but I thanked her for her soulful and rare understanding!

The last part of this entry will be a montage of pictures I took in front of the tree with Bailey this year and a cool remake of Madonna's Holiday. The song is by Darren Hayes who was half of the duo Savage Garden and I have posted many of his and their songs in the past. I want to be sure to end this rare post on a positive note...

Wasted Hours

If I can, I will post more today or tomorrow. I am heading out to rake leaves, but this song is worth noting. I downloaded it when it came out a while ago. Bailey played last night at the Colonial Theater and it was a blast to be back stage and see each season's artist autograph boards since the theater reopened in 2006. I rented a Van to allow Bailey to use his own (far superior) marimba for the concert. It was a lot of work, but worth it. He is very talented and his band teacher wants him to try out for senior districts for Massachusetts even though he is a freshman. More to come.

DARK LUMINOSITY!

Each that we lose takes part of us;

A crescent still abides,

Which like the moon, some turbid night,

Is summoned by the tides.

Emily Dickinson

Thomas Moore says that the special language of a dark night is poetry. That is surely why many special selections of music have always been so important and such inspiration to me at difficult times in my life. He says that the following secret is generally hidden from modern people and sometimes learned in a dark night, and it is "the truth of things can only be expressed aesthetically--in story, picture, film, dance, and music. Only when ideas are poetic to they reach the depths and express reality."

Ralph Waldo Emerson in "The Poet" said that the poet "stands one step nearer to things" and "turns the world to glass." Here I am teaching English literature and composition to sixth graders and it can be so enjoyable. I get to teach poetry and read wonderful novels such as, The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963, which is a wonderful work of historical fiction with a backdrop of the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church bombing which killed four little girls. Which is not why I am writing this post. I went to work today at 6:30 and got home at 5:30 and I am a bit delirious at this point, so forgive me. Speaking in story and images makes writing richer and more meaningful. "Poetic language allows for a deeper imagination of who you are and what you are going through," and as Thomas Moore says, "The usual way of talking is heroic....speaking of progress, growth, and success." Psychology and even religion often, "avoids the dark by hiding behind platitudes and false assurances." I agree when he says, "if you turn to spirituality to find only a positive and wholesome attitude, you are using spirituality to avoid life's dark beauty." What we need and can possibly achieve is an intelligence about our lives.

Well, I guess this all connects for me. It may not for you and that is OK! Not that I would choose a dark night, but there is a "special beauty" to be seen and "poetry is sea-language."

I am certain of nothing but

the holiness of the Heart's affections

and the truth of the imagination.

John Keats

Oh yes, listen to windmills from my music player on my side bar.....PERFECT!

Time Stand Still

Wow! My first post in many months and I have only begun to think about why I haven't written. I am not even ready to really, truly express it. I only know that for 16 months or so a powerful, spiritual experience gripped my life and made it impossible not to see some very amazing, sad, meaningful, dark, light, deep and penetrating things. Now, as that experience has slipped away, I find myself in a kind of even darker void.

I know I'm tired of the answers that were so definitively thrown at me, and I abhor the notion that somehow everything will always end up perfect because of a supreme being that, depending on our ability or goodness, will sometimes rescue the miners of this Earth and sometimes won't! I know some would say it is my failure that I don't feel simply wonderful. (By the way, I do feel ok at times.) The truth is that I am ignorant.....I don't understand, and I fear the judgement of people who look down on those in a Night Sea Journey!

A night sea journey would not be a night sea journey if it ended quickly. It is by nature a long lasting "rupture" to use Thomas Moore's words "in your very being." Most people want you to be OK, so in turn they can feel OK, and thus life and it's gifts are avoided. I think most religion has at least some element of this avoidance, which prevents experience and growth. Just like the alcoholic that must be able to stand and say, Hi my name is_____. I am an alcoholic, a dark night "pares life down to the bare essentials and helps you to get a new start." The alcoholic, now no longer in denial, has freedom to explore the depths of themselves that would not be possible in denial. The dark night may never be truly over, and as TM says, "its contributions may be what it does for others and not what it does for you!"

Dark nights may not always end happily, but that doesn't mean it didn't have value along the journey. So be careful in negative judgement of people who have entered this other-worldly place, where opportunity exists for transformation to some degree. Sometimes life requires us to go deep in a place that is not full of that religious bright light, but instead takes you to less illuminated places.

I heard this song this morning and it has reverberations (maybe) of that journey on the sea.
The video sucks, but then again Rush was, and is about the music! Remember these are my stream of consciousness ramblings and not any form of declaration of knowing much of anything!

GRACE

This Sunday at First Church of Christ in Pittsfield Rev. Lumsden preached a sermon from Paul's letter to the Romans. The subject of the sermon is Grace! I enjoyed the sermon and it's message floated me back in time to a sermon I heard at a week long retreat on Lake George that included an English evangelist named Malcolm Smith. He preached every evening and I remember being transfixed by his ability to explain the bible! I looked forward to every evening after enjoying the beautiful lake and other activities all day long. His books and message were an important part of my early Christian development! I was only about 20 years old and had really been seeking sources of inspiration for several years and that inspiration led me to enroll at Bangor Theological Seminary where I was the youngest student at the time. I didn't stay and finish, but it was, nevertheless an experience that I still treasure. It was there that ironically, I first met and played basketball with the now Pastor Emeritus of First Church in Pittsfield, Rev. Richard Floyd!

I purchased the cassettes of those very sermons that were recorded at Lake George and I have dragged them out every once in awhile. I even rerecorded them digitally to preserve them as the tapes were showing signs of disintegration. One of the sermons was titled, G.R.A.C.E. or God's Riches at Christ's Expense. I am uploading the sermon in two parts to my Mixpod music player in my sidebar on this blog. If you are interested give a listen. I had to split the sermon in two pieces to meet the size limitations of MYDATANEST.com where the files are uploaded and linked to MIXPOD!

The references he makes to our culture are now dated some 34 years later and I am not nearly as literal as he is, but the message is still clear and valid to me and very much connects to Rev. Lumsden message yesterday! There is a link to to Lumsden's blog in my sidebar and you can find his sermon notes there. I won't attempt to interpret or regurgitate any of these two vital messages. Just read and listen if you are so inclined!

All I Need!

Therapy today really helped me to gain some insight and validation concerning my feelings and recent events in my life! My therapist does understand and said that I keep getting up from the tragedies life has dealt me, and then just as I am up, something happens to knock me down again! She sees that my support system is almost non-existent and hopes that I continue to try to find a circle of people that can "get" me! No easy task! She expressed that it seems that my job consumed me to the point that I could not mourn and now that I am on vacation I actually feel worse. I described it as being uncomfortable in my own skin. Vicki has been extremely visible in my dream world and I even discovered that I am receiving some money from an insurance policy that Vicki took out the year we were married. It is policy that she took out and then abandoned after we took out policies together some years later. The policy still has some relatively significant cash value. I ordered a marimba for Bailey with some of the money and told him that it was truly a gift from his mother. The marimba is his favorite instrument and the one he is getting lessonS for at Williams College. The picture above is the actual instrument we are waiting for!

Music continues to be the source of so much comfort for me. It has been that way since I was very young. I was near Boston 5 or 6 weeks ago and I went into a Newbury Comics store and found an Import Tears for Fears Cd/DVD of a concert in Paris in 2006. Newbury Comics is a very cool store with lots of music (Vinyl as well as Cd's) and lots of other funky stuff like posters and other collectibles. The import is printed entirely in French as are the menus, etc. It contains a CD of the concert as well as a live DVD of the same performances. I really like the arrangement of Shout that they created. (Just as I was typing this UPS called to say that Bailey's Marimba will be here tomorrow between 12 and 4! This is sooo cool!)

The next song is by One Republic and I am grateful to my sixth grade students for the discovery of this song. I was helping two of my students with their video poject and they wanted to use the song, STOP AND STARE for their background music but they didn't own it. So I found the CD at FYE and bought it. STOP AND STARE was a hit but I really didn't know much about them. I fell in love with this song, "Say...(All I Need)."

Comeback! (Light Therapy)

This is my first blog entry in over six weeks. This fact alone speaks to how busy I have been. Well, it is the end of the school year and I am grateful for some time to rest and hopefully do some work around the yard and house! It has been about 18 months since Vicki died and of course I think about her everyday! This time has left me with some pervasive feelings that I do not understand at all. My self-esteem seems to be at an all time low! For some reason I feel unattractive, undesirable, and at times unmotivated. Here I sit at the computer and I feel like I should be more upbeat, but I am not. That doesn't mean that I never feel optimism, because I do. The optimism never stays long and in some way I feel buried by the responsibilities of life! I know.....if you want to feel good and upbeat about this day, my blog may not be a good read! These are strange feelings since my school year, which was a ton of work, went well. I escaped any sort of lay-off or reassignment and established some good working relationships. I even got to present video book reports at a staff meeting that my class completed as a final project. I was so proud of them. They picked great music by artists such as the Beatles, Lady Antebellum, One Republic, Michael Jackson and more as thematic backdrops to a pretend movie trailer advertising the wonderful novel, Bud, Not Buddy! Maybe some rest and time for reflection can help to lift me up! I was driving home the other day listening to XM satellite radio thinking some deep thoughts and a song came on a channel that I rarely listen to. The channel is called The Loft and it was just the perfect song about summer and light and how that makes us feel, but it also has a second level that I think you might understand. It is called Comeback (Light Therapy) by Josh Rouse. I made a quick, silly video to go with the song for upload....



Lastly, Bailey and I had to deal with a very evil, mean spirited accusation here in our neighborhood that left us both dumbfounded and hurt. I cannot go into it in this blog, but can only say it is the very worst thing that has happened to us since Vicki's death! The accusation was unequivocally proven false, but it does prove how misguided people who claim to care can be. We will do our best to put it behind us, but it will much more difficult for Bailey! I feel a strong sense of irony about the support Bailey and I have received since Vicki died. It has come from places I did not expect, and the people I expected to be caring and supportive have vanished or proven to be unable to be present in any way. Oh well! On with summer and trying to enjoy life! We need smiles and laughter, adventure and magic, kindness and empathy!

How about one more song! I was listening to an XM channel that was doing an all time 80's best summer song count down and this song was near the top...




I want to post one more song for two reasons. The first is that after listening to the Bananarama song above I remembered that this next song was a favorite summer song of Vicki's from the 80's. The second reason is that tomorrow JUNE 22, 2010 would have been our 24th wedding anniversary! The actual music video is banned from embedding by EMI so I had to use this video that someone else made.

Finally! A Music Player For My Blog!

I have tried without success to post a music player in my blog, specifically in my sidebar. Well, finally I found a link and instructions for how to do it and I am psyched! Now, I can post music that is in my own personal play list! Most times in my life, I have songs that I listen to quit a bit until they fade out of my rotation and are replaced by other songs. I had to play with the player code to make it a bit narrower to fit better on my side bar, but it works wonderfully. I may even post a sermon or two that I have converted to MP3 (take note RJ). To make this happen I had to join two sites and thankfully both are free. First, I had to join MYDatanest which gives me a site to upload the MP3 files. Then I had to copy the URL for each song and post them to the MixPod.com music player. Then you can choose a player, color etc. Then you have to get and copy the code for your saved playlist and player and add a gadget to blogger. I may play with all the settings later. For now, I am happy with my discovery and creation! So listen away as the list grows and changes and watch for other interesting spoken word additions!

The Lamps Are Differerent, But The Light Is The Same

After completing my obligation as a potential juror this morning, and a wonderful conversation with RJ at First Church, I got to have a very contemplative, philosophical day at home. I spent some time making MP3's out of some sermons that I heard at a retreat on lake George in 1976 and also watched the Madonna DVD of her Sticky and Sweet tour from Buenos Aires. Most of the songs were off of her latest CD, Hard Candy, which I really enjoyed! I especially found this portion moving because Like a Prayer was such a great song and video when first released,but also because of the moving performance she puts out in Argentina! As you watch keep a close eye on the video screen behind her. With graphics like, The lamps are different, but the light is the same she shows her sensitivity and social conscience. She can still perform, even in her early 50's!

Night Reveals What Daytime Hides

The title of this short post is a line from a David Byrne song titled "A Soft Seduction" from a solo CD called Feelings. For those who may not know, David Byrne was the lead man in the awesome group Talking Heads! When they were together, I was the first one in the store to grab their new releases. I continued to follow David's solo work, but not as closely. I never saw the Heads in concert, but I did see David Byrne live here in the Berkshires at the cozy, now defunct venue called, The Berkshire Performing Arts Center (BPAC) and then saw the rest of the group here also, as The Tom Tom Club. BOTH concerts were awesome! Anyhow, I got up early this morning ripping more of my music library onto a portable hard drive. When I got to David Byrne's stuff, I found this song, "A Soft Seduction", that really grabbed me! Those who know me will understand and he really includes irony in lines like, "The laws of chance, strange as it seems, take us exactly where we most likely need to be." He recognizes the randomness of life, but ponders the meaning of it all and wonders maybe..mostly likely..we end up where we need to be, which begins to remove the notion of chance alone? Irony! He alludes to God as a scapegoat when we blame our misfortune on the divine! And how much more Night Sea Journey can a line like the following be, "Night reveals what daytime hides." I can speak to this truth completely, and compare that line to a line from Thomas Moore in my previous blog entry, "Every decision for happiness will get you in trouble, and your occasional courageous forays into the dark will likely give you a taste of heaven." Anyhow, the song grew on me this morning, so please take a moment to listen.




The first Talking Heads album I purchased was 77, because when I heard it I couldn't sit still...I just fell in love with it, and then purchased backwards into their catalog and never missed another album! I think now just for fun I'll post a Tom Tom Club song as well! I've chosen a clip from the Talking Heads concert DVD, Stop Making Sense, which Rolling Stone calls one of the top ten greatest concert DVDs ever made!

One more song just because it is sooo much fun!

Living in Moments

I finally found the time and energy to play with new blog templates and editing features offered by Blogger, so here is my new expression of The Night Sea Journey! Let me know what you think.

I have felt this feeling for the last year or so as I have mourned Vicki's death and tried my best to embrace this new life that I live. The feeling is that I only get moments of optimism, moments of joy, moments of a sense of well being, and sadly only moments of true friendship. But these last few days, I have had several profound moments that have made a difference in my life. They provide a glimmer of light that reminds me of the life I have yet to live, different as it may be. I know we all need friendship and love in our lives. people with whom you can feel safe to reveal your reasonable and unreasonable ways. People (and probably just a few) that you can share mutual vulnerability with. That is one of the issues that I have discovered in this loneliness that I am experiencing. The loss of the mirror that intimacy innately provides, and yes that mirror reveals both good and not so good things about ourselves. That mirror shines deeply and reveals the soul of our existence and its deepest meanings. Without it we are doomed to float on the surface of life. Anyhow, I am grateful for the moments that exist and I do not pray for all my needs to be filled according to my desires, but instead turn my face to the light that shines and remain open to the next moments absorbing and reflecting that light and with it accepting the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will; That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.