A NEW CAST!

Today was Bailey's checkup and x-ray to see if the hardware in his forearm was indeed doing what it was intended to do and YES, all is well! The Doctor said he couldn't be happier with the results. He even mentioned that they took Bailey's x-rays to a conference where orthopedic surgeons discuss cases and strategy! So Bailey has a nice green cast for two weeks and he is already outside getting it signed by his friends. I got to sign it first! This cast goes above his elbow so he still cannot bend it there! But, in two weeks he will get a shorter cast that will feel much more liberating and it will probably even be waterproof allowing him to get it wet...shower, swim etc.

The Middle Man

I am bouncing back and forth between trying to remained focused on the spiritual aspects of this life I am living and the pain and sorrow that can overwhelm at times. Music and art keep me introspective and mostly positive. I know this is a deep and spiritual time for me and I feel myself becoming rather reclusive and contemplative. The problem with that is that some people do not understand and resent the space I am creating for myself and in fact may pull away too far. "Emily Dickinson said that her penchant for solitude was like the minor key in music, a refreshing alternative to the brighter major key." Others, even those who proclaimed that Vicki's illness was a kind of gift that taught them to remain close to family rather than distant, have barely been heard from as Bailey and I struggle together to maintain our life which feels so very different than before! I try not to be bitter and I turn to inspirational writing like LOVINGKINDNESS by Sharon Salzberg. I know we can create happiness but to try too hard to BE HAPPY might be an escape from the reality of this life that fate has given me. There have been a precious few who have quietly and actively inspired me to remain connected and alive. To those few I say THANK YOU, your gift has been appreciated. Obviously, I try to take one day at a time and I realize that I am imperfect, a hypocrite and probably create some of my own despair. It has been more than six months since Vicki's death and yet there are still moments like it happened yesterday! No one can make this all better and like Thomas Moore says, "The movement in your darkness may be difficult to sense, but it may be present nonetherless. You may not be advancing, but you are quiet motion. There you are, suffering your fate, stuck in some container that keeps your precious life at bay, and there you have a special beauty, a pulse that can be felt only in the dark." Today I spent a lot of time orgainzing Vicki's recipes. She had lots of them and many were written in her handwriting. Sounds simple, but so very difficult, and yet in some dark kind of way, comforting. I'd rather she be here to use them and I will try to preserve (and yes use some) when I can. I ripped this song onto my hard drive today.....



Credits: http://www.robert-e-harney.com/picpages/CruelHarvest.htm

Broken Inside!

Aren't we all broken inside in some way? I just wanted to post a few songs by Daughtry that I have been listening to in my own informal rotation! I face every day and it isn't easy since I am cursed with the burden of self awareness. That said, I do struggle with those that aren't burdened with this same curse!

This is more of a music post than anything grand and earth shattering...but listen, maybe something will speak to you as your soul soars!

I HAVE THE ANSWER OR IS IT A QUESTION?

Yesterday I received a phone call from a woman who offered to help me understand the complexities of the bible! I was relieved that I hadn't actually answered the phone and that the voice I was hearing was a message on my voice mail! At the very end she included that if I was indeed interested in this help that I should answer the door when a Jehovah's Witness called on me. My Goal is not to be judgemental of anyone's faith (although I think most of us judge in some way), but I know that this help being offered was not help to assist me in interpreting the bible for me. The help was to get me to see a particular and specific way. Jehovah Witnesses are not alone in this way of helping. Many people proclaim to KNOW the way and the truth and I have been guilty here and there myself. I struggle with terms we throw around, like GOD! Is he (or she) in the sky orchestrating our lives...God is simply love...what is GOD...is God in me or around me....what is the right way...should I do this or that.....why are there so many religions? Questions..questions ..questions!

The most profound words I have read to date about God is from The Soul's Religion by Thomas Moore. Yes, more Moore...my blog name is inspired by one of his books! So I feel compelled to include it here. It is a paradox! It is an answer that creates a question. It is knowledge that needs to not know! I find it amazing! Let me know what you think!

The presence of God is more real to me now than it ever was, and yet it is also emptier of ideas and certainties. I feel that my notion of God has matured year by year, and yet I know less about God, not more. The old paradoxes express God's nature better than any plain statements. God is greater than great, smaller than small. God is the most transcendent being and yet the most intimate. God is beyond any image I might have and yet requires the best of images. Anything I say about God I must undo at the very moment I say it, and yet I don't need to stop talking.

The name of God can be used to freeze our wonder, to make a comforting and useful idol, or it can be the opposite: a name that opens into continuing mystery. I learn from Islam to use the name carefully, from Judaism to use it rarely, and from my own experience to use it almost not at all. It makes sense to light a candle every time I call on God, just to remember that the name is holy and never means what I think it means. For those reasons I use it much more in the privacy of my thoughts and devotions that in public.

My reluctance to speak of God apparently leads some people to question my religiousness and my faith. Maybe that is a good thing because when people see your piety, it has probably already passed too far into form. It is better to be on the cusp between religion and secularity than to fall into either category. For there is another paradox at work: the appearance of religiosity is often in inverse proportion to the quality of religious practice.

There are those who for many different reasons don't use the word God. I can't presume to know what anyone believes or disbelieves, but my guess is that emphasizing the ancient theological "negative way," or the way of emptiness, at least brings my approach to God close to that of Buddhism and other religions. I am not suggesting that everyone means the same thing when using different languages but that we can all explore these difficult matters of spirit with some commonality of understanding. Even within particular communities, understanding and belief will differ from person to person.

So I speak of God in order to stop speaking of God. Usually I avoid the name in order to evoke the reality or, better, the mystery. As long as these contradictions and paradoxes are in place, I don't worry. But if some truth or some firm position sneaks in, I have to go back and read the mystics once again to cleanse my thoughts and restore emptiness that gives God reality.

I am sure I can add nothing to this at the moment. For those who are certain this will probably cause a disturbance. But the more certain I seem to be, the further from truth I feel. For as Thomas Moore says, "We advance holiness as much by losing religion as by gaining it. The two impulses become the breathing in and breathing out of belief. Not defending against loss we find the gift of new life."

Credits for pictures:
crossconnectioninformation.com
godspeak.org

After finishing this blog entry and walking away and finally eating a healthy breakfast, a song lyric kept running through my head, specifically the line, "The more I know , the less I understand." and I couldn't remember what song the words came from. Of course the harder I tried to remember the more frustrated I became, since those words fit this blog entry nicely. So, using google and the miracle called the Internet, I found them and yes it is a Don Henley song, The Heart of the Matter. I like the Eagles version from the Hell Freezes Over tour. Don Henley writes great meaningful lyrics about life, the environment, and politics. In fact, in an issue of Rolling Stone Glenn Frey said that without Don Henley The Eagles would be Air Supply. Of course lines like, "I'm learning to live without you now.) touch a deep emotion for me as well! The song goes nicely here and I love it.....please listen!

OK, one thing leads to another and I have to post the next song, which is pure Don Henley about the environment and religion run amok. This performance always sends chills down my spine. The things we do in the name of GOD! Fits here nicely too! The Last Resort!

Potato Salad

I have read about and believe in the upside down, inside out or whatever words you want to use to describe the paradoxical nature of the Kingdom of God in this contemporary world! Truly living becomes something you do that goes against the grain for sure. But today I am pondering my secular world and it is surely upside down and very different than before Vicki died. For example, my eating habits have completely changed! Not only do I have to plan and cook everything, but I have to live without all the amazing things Vicki prepared, like her potato salad. I loved it freshly made and warm and delicious. I would stuff myself taking for granted the delight that a simple meal could be. The flavor was her own. Sounds simple and easy, but I have tears in my eyes as I contemplate making my own version. I called my mother, since I know Vicki made her version much like my mother does. So off to the store to buy what I need. It isn't that Vicki made a gourmet meal every night. Sometimes she made easy, simple things because of the pace of life! But she did study and plan cooking and she made some amazing things. I remember early in our marriage when she made her own Chinese food. Using her wok she made a tasty meal. I remember the bird's nest potatoes which were these crunchy, stringy fried things piled high on my plate that are making my stomach growl right now. There are so many things in life we can take for granted. We can try to delight in the little things that can make life such a joy. So with the Fourth of July on my heels, I venture out to make a tradition continue in a new/old way...potato salad!

I am posting this song from Bruce Springsteen's The Rising....Let's Be Friends (Skin to Skin). It is the song that comes to mind since it is about change.."Good times gotta a way of comin' to an end" and making the most out of life.....There was not a large selection of video on You Tube of this song...it isn't what I would choose but Springsteen only did this song live once and it wasn't great...sorry Bruce fans...I am a fan too!

LUV IS A KIND OF MADNESS-Plato

Well, another music post as I continue to re-rip all of my music onto a portable hard drive. I had completed this task last summer but an accidental drop 2 feet to the floor lost all the information. Oh well, there are worse things in life! These songs jump forward from the edge of my last post to main stream pop, hip hop and three female artists!

Oh yes and Bailey finally got a hair cut and I am relieved......I am all for self expression but my handsome, skinny son just looks better with a fuller shorter (but not short) cut! Thanks to Barbara at the Clip Shop!

The first song is from Janet Jackson and her most recent Cd titled, DISCIPLINE released in 2008. The song is LUV and as this post title suggests, LUV is a kind of madness and it can "get you caught in a mess you're a wreck! Somebody call the paramedics!" I also need to interject another M.J. thought here....this is a line from an interlude in Janet's Velvet Rope CD..."There is nothing more depressing than having everything and still feeling sad. You must water your spiritual garden." True and prophetic!

Next a song from Madonna's 2008 CD Hard Candy! This is an excerpt from a review, "Hard Candy is all hard edges and blaring primary colors, an utterly modern, steely sex album for the new millennium, the age of Cialis and an era when Top 40 has pretty much ceased to exist. A pop artist as sharp as Madonna knows this, so she has abandoned the idea of a big crossover hit and pitches Hard Candy directly toward her core audience of club-conscious, fashion-forward trendsetters." She utilizes very hip and vital collaborators such as Justin Timberlake, Pharell Williams and the incomparable Kanye West to make a CD that I truly enjoyed! I have chosen a less edgy cut simply because I like it and Madonna plays acoustic guitar.




My last song is a very soulful hip groove from Fergie (Black Eyed Peas) off of her THE DUTCHESS CD from 2006. The song is titled, All That I Got (The Make Up Song). I hope someone enjoys this!

Wakening the Soul!

The art on this blog was created by ME! The black and white is a poster paint project using shades of gray for an art project in college circa 1981. I took a digital photo of it in a glass frame so you can see some blue reflections that are not part of the painting! The second is an oil painting that I did in 1979.

I have been told I have a lot of diversity in my musical taste and I suppose there could be truth to that statement. Every person I meet and every situation I have encountered in life seems to have a sound to absorb and I held onto those sounds and each has become a page in my life! Music certainly represents the diversity of our world and the infinite ways ideas and feelings can be expressed! This may be my strangest post, but it is still me! Get ready for some different music. But first a quote!

The arts have the power to waken the dormant soul, and there can be no doubt that the chief malady in our time is "sleeping soul sickness. When you sit and listen to music or watch a play or follow a dance, your active life gos into eclipse and your soul life takes wing. Mercury, the spirit of art, self-expression, language, and form, brings soul to situations that are otherwise considered only practical. --Thomas Moore

Ahhh....that is what kept me alive as a kid and as a young man...MUSIC and it's power to keep my soul awake. It would have been so easy to withdraw into a practical world of sleep and meaninglessness! I am in the same place today in this moment...with music..my soul life taking wing!

First, a song by King Crimson! A progressive rock bad that was formed in 1969 with founding member Robert Fripp. He is a virtuoso guitarist, and the group had many lineup changes that included Greg Lake. This Cd from 1984 includes Fripp, Adrian Belew, Tony Levin, and Bill Buford on drums! Belew does vocals and his singing was often compared to David Byrne of the Talking Heads, and in fact he was a session musician for the Heads at times! The CD is Three of a Perfect Pair and the song is Sleepless!



Next a song by Depeche Mode, the quintessential electro-pop group and their biggest hit, Personal Jesus! This song was ranked number 368 of 500 in Rolling Stone's all-time 500 greatest song issue! The song was inspired by the book Elvis and Me by Priscilla Presley. According to songwriter Martin Gore: It's a song about being a Jesus for somebody else, someone to give you hope and care. It's about how Elvis was her man and her mentor and how often that happens in love relationships; how everybody's heart is like a god in some way, and that's not a very balanced view of someone, is it?

D.M. reminds me of my days working as a counselor at North Adams State College, now MCLA! This is a great live performance and it makes you wish you were there cause everyone is having so much fun!



Up next, The Tubes, arch satirists of popular culture whose outrageous performance-art concepts, which swung wildly from soft-core pornography to suit-and-tie conservatism,frequently eclipsed their elusive musical identity. The song I am playing is from the CD called, The Completion Backwards Principal. The song, Amnesia reminds me of college and my best friend Tom! The D.J. named Steve Binder had the best sound system ever and filled the gym with great sound! I partied responsibly and had the best time during those years! Vicki listened to the Tubes last summer on my MP3 player! She always liked them too and was with me at many of those dances! Music and memory.......