Weigh Away

This song appears in my music player, so it can be played anytime by anyone. I have also posted it before, and this morning it just hit me again as songs can do.....I am really swirling around lots of stuff......ideas...sadness..optimism...weight...betrayal....surprise...blessing...truth...untruth...and somewhere in the middle!


Lines of people to pass you by
Posing sympathy with their whitewash eyes
With the ladies feigning their mourning cries
And the men shaking hands:
Weigh away
Way away
All the pictures in your mind
As you're passed the thousandth time
Thousandth photograph
Listen to sympathetic lies
As their reasons change under mourning guise
With the gentlemen feigning sorrowed sighs
And drinking champagne:
Weigh away
Way away
As all the people pass and pose
You hold back the tears
And hold onto memories
Small talk hangs like a dirty cloud
Saying nothing real but deafening loud
An urge to run away from the crowd
And mourn all alone:
Make a promise to no-one
Wondering if you'd been worthwhile
Turn away from the chatter
And the hungry smiles

Also yesterday was Vicki's birthday, so I will post a video and great song that I made and posted a while back! In the first picture you will see my father who died at age 60 in 1993 dancing with Vicki at our wedding! There are many pictures of my father in Korea where he served in that war! There are also many of my mom and dad before they were married and it ends with one of me.

Spirituality of the Deep!

I have sat in front of this computer so many times trying to write a post and I just get frustrated and confused. I am not dead or stagnant, but instead in a dark night, and it is not an event or a feeling or a fleeting moment. It is a journey, and as Thomas Moore states in Dark Night of the Soul;

"that is not a challenge to be dealt with quickly or overcome........it cannot be dismissed so easily. It leaves a lasting effect and in fact, alters you for good. It is nothing to brag about.....it pushes you to the edge of what is familiar and reliable, stretching your imagination about how life works and who or what controls it all. The dark night serves the spirit by forcing you to rely on something beyond human capacity. It can open you up to new and mysterious possibilities."

I truly sense this fact too. I feel optimism. I feel possibility, but it is all so confusing. It is like reaching into a bag containing all the letters of the alphabet and you reach in knowing the endless possibilities the letters possess, but I cannot see what I am reaching to grab and I don't know what to spell. Does that make sense?

I am not a soul vampire or a person trying to manipulate anything. I am trying to get through each day as best as I can. The issues and problems I face are real, and yes, I suppose in some ways imagined, since we rarely see with perfect vision, but that doesn't make the issues any less important, painful, or less in need of care. It is a lonely journey. In therapy, my therapist has listened and supported me. She has pointed out that year two in dealing with the loss of a spouse can be the most challenging and I would have to say I agree. The support falls away and you are left alone to navigate this undulating sea. I understand that!


Perhaps this vivid and emotionally charged dream is a better way to try and explain. Bailey and I were at some kind of public attraction or event. It could have been anything from a carnival or berry picking or some other outdoor thing. It was a sunny day and there was a large flat screen TV showing highlights of previous days and visits. I remember staring and seeing something familiar. I squinted to see what looked like Vicki with two other people. As she walked closer, I could see it was her carrying a bag and she was with her bother and his wife as best as I could tell. At this point Bailey who was much younger than his 14 years (maybe 6 or 7) also saw her and slowly approached the screen. he put his out out and Vicki did too and they each touched the screen. Bailey in tears, kept repeating MOMMY! I began to cry and we moved out of the way of many other people who were also gathered there. I wrapped my arms around Bailey and we cried together while everyone watched mumbling about how strange we were, like we were doing something wrong. I remember knowing that no one understood and even ridiculed us a bit! I shared this dream in therapy which was vivid and remembered unlike many that I have had.


So, I have many thoughts and it all just seems mangled and confused. I have a new life that I am living but it just doesn't feel like mine yet. I get up at 4:30 everyday and get Bailey and I ready for school. I get to school by 6:45 and leave for home by about 4:00 most days. Then comes dinner and on three nights per week Bailey either has a basketball game or music practice. He has a major concert coming up at UMASS with the best young musicians in Western Massachusetts. I try to make Saturday a day for me, but I end up trying to get some house stuff done like laundry and other cleaning. Sunday ends up being anywhere from 6 to 8 hours of planning or grading compositions.

So, I guess that has left very little of what I used to love or be! Music, creativity and reading for myself! The hardest part is that only one person has stopped to ask one simple and caring question during the last 6 or 7 months as I have slipped under the current of this night. That question is, "Are you OK?"



I am just at a loss for words at this point! I am not trying to offend anyone or hurt a single soul! I feel a sense of a new life, but it just hasn't formed for me. I just don't know how to express it all and I don't want to burden anyone. I am exhausted too. I want to exercise to meet this challenge with more energy.



I have never been here before and I don't know how to do it well! Going back to the beginning of this post; my imagination is being stretched, I am trying to find that thing beyond human capacity on which I can rely and I sense new and mysterious possibilities. I am sorry if this isn't what some would want to hear to make them feel good. It isn't a bright shining place where it is easy to see, but a darker place where only if there is an inner light I can shine shine. I hope I have that inner light?

Toad and More!

Christmas and New Years Day have passed by and it is on to the real world of essays to grade and lessons to plan. I have always felt a bit of a let down after the holidays and in spite of an alcohol household growing up, I love the holidays! I am leaving the tree up till next weekend. It was fresh cut in Vermont by Bailey and I and very alive. Also, the 12 days of Christmas are not over. January 5 is twelfth night followed by Epiphany.

I received an e-mail from Glen Phillips of Toad the Wet Sprocket and in it there was a new and free song that they recommend sharing and posting. It was a gift to their fans as they are reforming as a band! COOL! Here is an excerpt from that mail.

Happy Holidays!

2010 is coming to a close, and Toad the Wet Sprocket is preparing for a busy 2011. We'll be touring throughout the year, and are excited to be switching up the set and adding some new surprises. Since we broke up in 1997, we haven't made much in the way of long term plans. That's changing this year - we're a band again. In honor of that change, and out of thanks to you all for sticking around so long, we want to give you a Christmas gift in the form of a song: Click here to download "It Doesn't Feel Like Christmas". The song was penned by our friend Sam Phillips, and we hope you enjoy it! If you'd like a friend to have it, please encourage them to join the mailing list as well. They will receive a link with their confirmation email. You can also share the song and post it on your interwebs (blog, FaceBook, wherever) via Bandcamp here. We'll see you on the road in the coming year.

Thanks!

-Toad

Here is the song off of You Tube....

Another cool development is that Bailey tried out for, and was chosen to play in the Western Massachusetts District Music Festival at UMASS this Spring. His point total from his audition gave him the highest score in Western Mass. That is what I said...Bailey is the best percussionist in the junior division in Western Massachusetts! Amazing! I am so proud and he is so talented. He teacher told me recently that Bailey has a future in music. I am happy, but also sad that others have ignored this talent!

Lastly, since before Thanksgiving the exterior of my house is undergoing a complete restoration. A back mud room that was poorly added has been torn off and a deck added. New siding is being installed. It is almost done and it looks great just as our tree did this year.

So for those who care to ask (and not a single person has) I am not caught in some dark, morbid wallowing in mourning of Vicki's death. I receive support from my therapist and I am in a place that seems to be typical for someone who has encountered what I have. The hard part is the life stuff. The responsibility that I have taken on that two people once did! Only one person has ever commented to me in a right on the mark kind of way. Ironically the person was an assistant teacher who works in my room and one day at lunch she said, "It must be very demanding to be a single dad and do this job! You must be exhausted!" I am paraphrasing her, but I thanked her for her soulful and rare understanding!

The last part of this entry will be a montage of pictures I took in front of the tree with Bailey this year and a cool remake of Madonna's Holiday. The song is by Darren Hayes who was half of the duo Savage Garden and I have posted many of his and their songs in the past. I want to be sure to end this rare post on a positive note...

Wasted Hours

If I can, I will post more today or tomorrow. I am heading out to rake leaves, but this song is worth noting. I downloaded it when it came out a while ago. Bailey played last night at the Colonial Theater and it was a blast to be back stage and see each season's artist autograph boards since the theater reopened in 2006. I rented a Van to allow Bailey to use his own (far superior) marimba for the concert. It was a lot of work, but worth it. He is very talented and his band teacher wants him to try out for senior districts for Massachusetts even though he is a freshman. More to come.

DARK LUMINOSITY!

Each that we lose takes part of us;

A crescent still abides,

Which like the moon, some turbid night,

Is summoned by the tides.

Emily Dickinson

Thomas Moore says that the special language of a dark night is poetry. That is surely why many special selections of music have always been so important and such inspiration to me at difficult times in my life. He says that the following secret is generally hidden from modern people and sometimes learned in a dark night, and it is "the truth of things can only be expressed aesthetically--in story, picture, film, dance, and music. Only when ideas are poetic to they reach the depths and express reality."

Ralph Waldo Emerson in "The Poet" said that the poet "stands one step nearer to things" and "turns the world to glass." Here I am teaching English literature and composition to sixth graders and it can be so enjoyable. I get to teach poetry and read wonderful novels such as, The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963, which is a wonderful work of historical fiction with a backdrop of the Sixteenth Street Baptist Church bombing which killed four little girls. Which is not why I am writing this post. I went to work today at 6:30 and got home at 5:30 and I am a bit delirious at this point, so forgive me. Speaking in story and images makes writing richer and more meaningful. "Poetic language allows for a deeper imagination of who you are and what you are going through," and as Thomas Moore says, "The usual way of talking is heroic....speaking of progress, growth, and success." Psychology and even religion often, "avoids the dark by hiding behind platitudes and false assurances." I agree when he says, "if you turn to spirituality to find only a positive and wholesome attitude, you are using spirituality to avoid life's dark beauty." What we need and can possibly achieve is an intelligence about our lives.

Well, I guess this all connects for me. It may not for you and that is OK! Not that I would choose a dark night, but there is a "special beauty" to be seen and "poetry is sea-language."

I am certain of nothing but

the holiness of the Heart's affections

and the truth of the imagination.

John Keats

Oh yes, listen to windmills from my music player on my side bar.....PERFECT!

Time Stand Still

Wow! My first post in many months and I have only begun to think about why I haven't written. I am not even ready to really, truly express it. I only know that for 16 months or so a powerful, spiritual experience gripped my life and made it impossible not to see some very amazing, sad, meaningful, dark, light, deep and penetrating things. Now, as that experience has slipped away, I find myself in a kind of even darker void.

I know I'm tired of the answers that were so definitively thrown at me, and I abhor the notion that somehow everything will always end up perfect because of a supreme being that, depending on our ability or goodness, will sometimes rescue the miners of this Earth and sometimes won't! I know some would say it is my failure that I don't feel simply wonderful. (By the way, I do feel ok at times.) The truth is that I am ignorant.....I don't understand, and I fear the judgement of people who look down on those in a Night Sea Journey!

A night sea journey would not be a night sea journey if it ended quickly. It is by nature a long lasting "rupture" to use Thomas Moore's words "in your very being." Most people want you to be OK, so in turn they can feel OK, and thus life and it's gifts are avoided. I think most religion has at least some element of this avoidance, which prevents experience and growth. Just like the alcoholic that must be able to stand and say, Hi my name is_____. I am an alcoholic, a dark night "pares life down to the bare essentials and helps you to get a new start." The alcoholic, now no longer in denial, has freedom to explore the depths of themselves that would not be possible in denial. The dark night may never be truly over, and as TM says, "its contributions may be what it does for others and not what it does for you!"

Dark nights may not always end happily, but that doesn't mean it didn't have value along the journey. So be careful in negative judgement of people who have entered this other-worldly place, where opportunity exists for transformation to some degree. Sometimes life requires us to go deep in a place that is not full of that religious bright light, but instead takes you to less illuminated places.

I heard this song this morning and it has reverberations (maybe) of that journey on the sea.
The video sucks, but then again Rush was, and is about the music! Remember these are my stream of consciousness ramblings and not any form of declaration of knowing much of anything!

GRACE

This Sunday at First Church of Christ in Pittsfield Rev. Lumsden preached a sermon from Paul's letter to the Romans. The subject of the sermon is Grace! I enjoyed the sermon and it's message floated me back in time to a sermon I heard at a week long retreat on Lake George that included an English evangelist named Malcolm Smith. He preached every evening and I remember being transfixed by his ability to explain the bible! I looked forward to every evening after enjoying the beautiful lake and other activities all day long. His books and message were an important part of my early Christian development! I was only about 20 years old and had really been seeking sources of inspiration for several years and that inspiration led me to enroll at Bangor Theological Seminary where I was the youngest student at the time. I didn't stay and finish, but it was, nevertheless an experience that I still treasure. It was there that ironically, I first met and played basketball with the now Pastor Emeritus of First Church in Pittsfield, Rev. Richard Floyd!

I purchased the cassettes of those very sermons that were recorded at Lake George and I have dragged them out every once in awhile. I even rerecorded them digitally to preserve them as the tapes were showing signs of disintegration. One of the sermons was titled, G.R.A.C.E. or God's Riches at Christ's Expense. I am uploading the sermon in two parts to my Mixpod music player in my sidebar on this blog. If you are interested give a listen. I had to split the sermon in two pieces to meet the size limitations of MYDATANEST.com where the files are uploaded and linked to MIXPOD!

The references he makes to our culture are now dated some 34 years later and I am not nearly as literal as he is, but the message is still clear and valid to me and very much connects to Rev. Lumsden message yesterday! There is a link to to Lumsden's blog in my sidebar and you can find his sermon notes there. I won't attempt to interpret or regurgitate any of these two vital messages. Just read and listen if you are so inclined!