Monday, February 21, 2011

Spirituality of the Deep!

I have sat in front of this computer so many times trying to write a post and I just get frustrated and confused. I am not dead or stagnant, but instead in a dark night, and it is not an event or a feeling or a fleeting moment. It is a journey, and as Thomas Moore states in Dark Night of the Soul;

"that is not a challenge to be dealt with quickly or cannot be dismissed so easily. It leaves a lasting effect and in fact, alters you for good. It is nothing to brag pushes you to the edge of what is familiar and reliable, stretching your imagination about how life works and who or what controls it all. The dark night serves the spirit by forcing you to rely on something beyond human capacity. It can open you up to new and mysterious possibilities."

I truly sense this fact too. I feel optimism. I feel possibility, but it is all so confusing. It is like reaching into a bag containing all the letters of the alphabet and you reach in knowing the endless possibilities the letters possess, but I cannot see what I am reaching to grab and I don't know what to spell. Does that make sense?

I am not a soul vampire or a person trying to manipulate anything. I am trying to get through each day as best as I can. The issues and problems I face are real, and yes, I suppose in some ways imagined, since we rarely see with perfect vision, but that doesn't make the issues any less important, painful, or less in need of care. It is a lonely journey. In therapy, my therapist has listened and supported me. She has pointed out that year two in dealing with the loss of a spouse can be the most challenging and I would have to say I agree. The support falls away and you are left alone to navigate this undulating sea. I understand that!

Perhaps this vivid and emotionally charged dream is a better way to try and explain. Bailey and I were at some kind of public attraction or event. It could have been anything from a carnival or berry picking or some other outdoor thing. It was a sunny day and there was a large flat screen TV showing highlights of previous days and visits. I remember staring and seeing something familiar. I squinted to see what looked like Vicki with two other people. As she walked closer, I could see it was her carrying a bag and she was with her bother and his wife as best as I could tell. At this point Bailey who was much younger than his 14 years (maybe 6 or 7) also saw her and slowly approached the screen. he put his out out and Vicki did too and they each touched the screen. Bailey in tears, kept repeating MOMMY! I began to cry and we moved out of the way of many other people who were also gathered there. I wrapped my arms around Bailey and we cried together while everyone watched mumbling about how strange we were, like we were doing something wrong. I remember knowing that no one understood and even ridiculed us a bit! I shared this dream in therapy which was vivid and remembered unlike many that I have had.

So, I have many thoughts and it all just seems mangled and confused. I have a new life that I am living but it just doesn't feel like mine yet. I get up at 4:30 everyday and get Bailey and I ready for school. I get to school by 6:45 and leave for home by about 4:00 most days. Then comes dinner and on three nights per week Bailey either has a basketball game or music practice. He has a major concert coming up at UMASS with the best young musicians in Western Massachusetts. I try to make Saturday a day for me, but I end up trying to get some house stuff done like laundry and other cleaning. Sunday ends up being anywhere from 6 to 8 hours of planning or grading compositions.

So, I guess that has left very little of what I used to love or be! Music, creativity and reading for myself! The hardest part is that only one person has stopped to ask one simple and caring question during the last 6 or 7 months as I have slipped under the current of this night. That question is, "Are you OK?"

I am just at a loss for words at this point! I am not trying to offend anyone or hurt a single soul! I feel a sense of a new life, but it just hasn't formed for me. I just don't know how to express it all and I don't want to burden anyone. I am exhausted too. I want to exercise to meet this challenge with more energy.

I have never been here before and I don't know how to do it well! Going back to the beginning of this post; my imagination is being stretched, I am trying to find that thing beyond human capacity on which I can rely and I sense new and mysterious possibilities. I am sorry if this isn't what some would want to hear to make them feel good. It isn't a bright shining place where it is easy to see, but a darker place where only if there is an inner light I can shine shine. I hope I have that inner light?


  1. Times of growth are beset with difficulties. They resemble a first birth. But these difficulties arise from the very profusion of all that is struggling to attain form. Everything is in motion: therefore if one perseveres there is a prospect of great success, in spite of the existing danger. When it is a man's fate to undertake such new beginnings, everything is still unformed, dark.

  2. Thank you for your thoughts!

  3. This blog isn't for others - we may look on, of course, but this is for you - so no need to qualify your searching. Just do it deeply and honestly and like all seekers of God's grace you will be at peace.