Thursday, September 24, 2009


Just a quick post to say thank you to those who care and understand and to RJ for reaching out, I dedicate this song. He is living proof that the message contained it this song is alive and well! I know I am better off as a result of the caring!

Sunday, September 20, 2009


Well church today was an amazing combination of beautiful music, wise words, healing, and emotional spirit. I know I was feeling emotional when I walked into the building! I think it is the change of seasons combined with thoughts of apple picking which Vicki loved to do! Bailey and I were not sure whether we could go this time or not. Last year at this very time, Vicki walked the fields with us, picked lots of apples, and even had the strength to carry a bag back to the tractor, which carried us all back to the store! She bought a bottle of wine to give to her sister as a gift and we sat and drank cider and ate cider doughnuts! A month later, her health began to decline and by December she was clearly dying! I asked Bailey if he wanted to go to the orchard today, and he said he wasn't sure. That was a clear sign to me that he was feeling emotion about it. So we didn't go!

Back in church today, I was feeling lots of intense feelings and Dianne walked in and sat down in the pew in front of me and asked how I was. I said, "OK!", but I wasn't really OK and somehow I sensed she wasn't either. I kept thinking about things to say to her but something stopped me. She has suffered a loss this year as well, (her mother) and I know all too well how the grief can creep up on you when you least expect it! I think whenever life intensifies it's energy, such as the changing of a season, the intensity of grief rises with it! It must be the forces of nature that connect everything in the cosmos! The music today that accompanied the candle lighting portion of the service was just so moving, so spiritual, so connected that I fought back tears through the whole thing. Then when it was time for THE PASSING of Christ's PEACE Dianne turned towards me in tears and we embraced and shared a moment that while emotional and sad, was also healing and connected to everything, including the message surrounding the candle lighting, which was that commitment can be expressed without words and that sometimes words are not even adequate to express the spiritual (especially grief which is the most spiritual thing that has ever happened to me.) Dianne and I shared a spiritual moment that cannot be explained and I am glad she was there to share a moment of grief in the process of healing. A process that we have no control over!

The picture that I am posting of Vicki and Bailey and was taken at church. Last Sunday a member gave it to Bailey and he gave it to me. It took me 15 minutes to gather myself and even know what was going on around me! I think the idea of Vicki not being here for Bailey and his loss of her hurts my insides the most. He loves her sooo much! All of this leads me to two places....first is a poem I wrote (I know this sounds strange but it is VERY true) in a dream! It fits perfect here and probably why it drifted into my brain....It was written at a time when I did lots of poetry writing and of course the more you write the easier it gets. I woke up one night and just wrote it down. It was written on October 16 and 17. 1977.


The dawning of Autumn ignites the delight,
with leaves descending in colorful flight.
Growing and expanding tp joyous heights,
Christ's spirit brightens each and every light.

A day of Thanksgiving is on the way,
to the warmth of an even greater day.
Anticipation falls, fresh like the snow.
Each passing face has it's glorious glow.

Peace is supreme as the moment arrives.
I feel such cheer and I scarcely know why.
Shivers of excitement fill once quiet streets,
as the spitit of Christmas takes it seat.
The day is near for a star rules the sky.
I feel such cheer and I scarcely know why.
Yes the child is born, the spirit is near.
It touched my hreart the feeling is clear.

Evening draws close with the wonder of why.
I feel that tomorrow the spirit will die.
Cast aside all fear as times endless plight,
sends leaves descending in colorful flight.
The fall is a time ripe for harvest but this fall and holiday season will be overly ripe with memory and emotion for me!

The second place I want to go is my own inner peace. Since Vicki died I have not been sleeping and surely my life is overwhelming at times. In therapy, we are getting ready to work on some meditation and relaxation training to try to calm my inner self! I need to learn to be still! Listen to these lyrics, they are amazing and work for me right now! I watched this DVD last night and have watched it many times The Eagles Hell Freezes Over tour!....LOVE IT!

I think this next song ties into today and even today's church service. Being child like, commitment, healing....and with lines like LOVE IS A PROMISE, LOVE IS A SOUVENIR. ONCE GIVEN, NEVER FORGOTTEN, NEVER LET IT DISAPPEAR! And speaking of my sleep issues....HOW IT MAKES ME WEEP, CAUSE SOMONE SENT MY SOUL TO SLEEP! Tears for Fears..Advice for the Young At Heart!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

9-9-09 and The Beatles

The Beatles remastered Cd's are out today and I went and bought them! I have their albums but never purchased the Cd's because I thought they did not sound very good! I did have the two greatest hit compilations and the Number 1's Cd to quench my thirst. So far, I have to say they sound great and I am psyched that I bought them. The Cd's have new liner notes and rare photos as well. They are also enhanced with mini documentaries that you can watch on your computer! So far the sound really is better...fuller with more low end and from what I have read, Abbey Road engineers spent four years on this project! Now I feel that my music collection is more complete, at least as far as Cd's go! No real music collection can be without these marvelous pieces of music history!

Friday, September 4, 2009

A HuGe Week and a Visit From a Rabbit!

This was one heck of a huge week! I feel good about what I was able to accomplish but it was certainly not easy! I have great classes with great kids and I will take the responsibility of their education very seriously. I want to have fun, be creative and still stretch the potential of every student I teach. I am wiped out and yes I thought about bailing many times, but I hung in there sought support when I needed it and it is Friday! Friday night are perhaps my loneliest nights! The pace and demands are incredibly high at a time when my reserves are not what they once were! I will keep pushing on and doing the best I can. I spent tonight listening to the SUPER AUDIO CD mix of Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. It may be my favorite album and it is certainly one of the best ever recorded! The surround mix and increased dynamic range are totally exhilarating!

Yesterday, I walked home from school as usual, and as I walked up my driveway a brown rabbit jumped out of the bushes and kind of hopped along in front of me as I continued toward the back porch. I thought it was a bit strange that the bunny did not race away as they usually do. I even made some noises to see if it would bolt away as they usually do. I went into the house and forgot about it. Twenty minutes later I went to the refrigerator which is near a window that looks out into the back yard and there was the rabbit. It was about four feet from the window just sitting there, wrinkling its nose and staring up at the window! I thought this was peculiar since they usually dash into the woods when they see me. I left and went back a bit later and there was the rabbit, still sitting and looking up at the window. At that point all I could think of was Vicki! The way she wrinkled her nose, the soft warmth of her personality and the feeling was pervasive! I took picture with my phone and still it remained there! The picture wasn't great so I went and got my camera and even the flash only made the rabbit blink, but not run! Sounds wild I know! I will post the picture. The quality isn't great through the window screen!

One more Pink Floyd song that I thought of today at work and ironically it has a reference to a rabbit...Run Rabbit Run.......