Sunday, September 20, 2009


Well church today was an amazing combination of beautiful music, wise words, healing, and emotional spirit. I know I was feeling emotional when I walked into the building! I think it is the change of seasons combined with thoughts of apple picking which Vicki loved to do! Bailey and I were not sure whether we could go this time or not. Last year at this very time, Vicki walked the fields with us, picked lots of apples, and even had the strength to carry a bag back to the tractor, which carried us all back to the store! She bought a bottle of wine to give to her sister as a gift and we sat and drank cider and ate cider doughnuts! A month later, her health began to decline and by December she was clearly dying! I asked Bailey if he wanted to go to the orchard today, and he said he wasn't sure. That was a clear sign to me that he was feeling emotion about it. So we didn't go!

Back in church today, I was feeling lots of intense feelings and Dianne walked in and sat down in the pew in front of me and asked how I was. I said, "OK!", but I wasn't really OK and somehow I sensed she wasn't either. I kept thinking about things to say to her but something stopped me. She has suffered a loss this year as well, (her mother) and I know all too well how the grief can creep up on you when you least expect it! I think whenever life intensifies it's energy, such as the changing of a season, the intensity of grief rises with it! It must be the forces of nature that connect everything in the cosmos! The music today that accompanied the candle lighting portion of the service was just so moving, so spiritual, so connected that I fought back tears through the whole thing. Then when it was time for THE PASSING of Christ's PEACE Dianne turned towards me in tears and we embraced and shared a moment that while emotional and sad, was also healing and connected to everything, including the message surrounding the candle lighting, which was that commitment can be expressed without words and that sometimes words are not even adequate to express the spiritual (especially grief which is the most spiritual thing that has ever happened to me.) Dianne and I shared a spiritual moment that cannot be explained and I am glad she was there to share a moment of grief in the process of healing. A process that we have no control over!

The picture that I am posting of Vicki and Bailey and was taken at church. Last Sunday a member gave it to Bailey and he gave it to me. It took me 15 minutes to gather myself and even know what was going on around me! I think the idea of Vicki not being here for Bailey and his loss of her hurts my insides the most. He loves her sooo much! All of this leads me to two places....first is a poem I wrote (I know this sounds strange but it is VERY true) in a dream! It fits perfect here and probably why it drifted into my brain....It was written at a time when I did lots of poetry writing and of course the more you write the easier it gets. I woke up one night and just wrote it down. It was written on October 16 and 17. 1977.


The dawning of Autumn ignites the delight,
with leaves descending in colorful flight.
Growing and expanding tp joyous heights,
Christ's spirit brightens each and every light.

A day of Thanksgiving is on the way,
to the warmth of an even greater day.
Anticipation falls, fresh like the snow.
Each passing face has it's glorious glow.

Peace is supreme as the moment arrives.
I feel such cheer and I scarcely know why.
Shivers of excitement fill once quiet streets,
as the spitit of Christmas takes it seat.
The day is near for a star rules the sky.
I feel such cheer and I scarcely know why.
Yes the child is born, the spirit is near.
It touched my hreart the feeling is clear.

Evening draws close with the wonder of why.
I feel that tomorrow the spirit will die.
Cast aside all fear as times endless plight,
sends leaves descending in colorful flight.
The fall is a time ripe for harvest but this fall and holiday season will be overly ripe with memory and emotion for me!

The second place I want to go is my own inner peace. Since Vicki died I have not been sleeping and surely my life is overwhelming at times. In therapy, we are getting ready to work on some meditation and relaxation training to try to calm my inner self! I need to learn to be still! Listen to these lyrics, they are amazing and work for me right now! I watched this DVD last night and have watched it many times The Eagles Hell Freezes Over tour!....LOVE IT!

I think this next song ties into today and even today's church service. Being child like, commitment, healing....and with lines like LOVE IS A PROMISE, LOVE IS A SOUVENIR. ONCE GIVEN, NEVER FORGOTTEN, NEVER LET IT DISAPPEAR! And speaking of my sleep issues....HOW IT MAKES ME WEEP, CAUSE SOMONE SENT MY SOUL TO SLEEP! Tears for Fears..Advice for the Young At Heart!


  1. the call to be still... what a challenge and a blessing both at the same time. thank you for these words and poems and music.

  2. What a beautiful poem. Your insight is amazing. I will pray for stillness for you.