Sunday, June 14, 2009
I am not being selfish or strange and no I am not looking for a girlfriend. I am at the end of my rope to say the least! I am dealing with the loss of Vicki and all that she meant to this family. I am dealing with Bailey and his badly broken arm and possible surgeries and that only magnifies the void! One of my last posts was CRAZY LIFE and yes life can be crazy. The day I wrote that post I talked about how good the day was and since then it is like I just lost a 20 game hitting streak and now I am in a slump, a four game,, no hit slump. Oh, and I didn't mention work and the crap being shoved at me there! Today at church I just didn't feel like being happy! I wasn't being a drag and yes being there was uplifting, even if Church School Sunday was a blatant reminder of Vicki being gone! It was the right place to be! I know God's grace and presence is close at hand. I know joy lies in waiting and in fact is closer than I can feel. Maybe it is sort of like a brand new suit that looks good...made of silk.... and you know how new clothes can make you feel so good, but life has the suit inside out. Inside out doesn't feel great, it doesn't look right and you don't really want to go out and be seen in such an altered state. My life is inside out, upside down. If you think about it though the perfect suit is still there, not visible to anyone or yourself, yet it is there and in fact it's beauty (best side) is even closer to your skin than before and you just need to remember and imagine what it felt like! OH well. I am not sure if that makes sense but that is my best effort as I sit here and type. Honestly tears are always at hand! I need a rest...literally!
I know getting through this requires effort. I need to laugh and feel good and there are good days, but the sun never shines the same. So I was joking with a friend over the weekend about a song by Taylor Swift. In fact I played it for them and said, "Hey I should post this song since it has my name in it." It is called, "Hey Stephen"by Taylor Swift. Every time I hear the song it makes me smile and feel good. I actually only heard it because it is on a CD that Bailey wanted me to buy for him because he loved the hit song, "Love Story" and he wanted it on his cell phone mp3 player. Actually, Taylor Swift was on a recent cover of Rolling Stone and in the article they mention how she was signed to a contract to write songs for RCA records at the age of 13. Now, that is talented. So, I'll listen to this song and smile even if it is my effort at feeling OK in the middle of all of this crazy life! It isn't often that I hear a song with my name in it! I'll use the lyrics as an affirmation that I have value even when I don't feel much like that lately! Everything is just so hard. It is like I am running a Marathon wearing ankle weights! Do you understand what I am trying to say? Am I being selfish?