Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Could It be Any Harder?

Well, I have been reluctant to post this next song because it meant so much to me before and after Vicki died! The album came out around 2001 and I discovered it by accident thinking it contained a different song that I was looking for by another group. The purchase seemed like a mistake! I listened to the CD and fell in love with this song because of the emotion and depth, as well as the way the lead singer performed it. He just seemed to be letting it all out! So the song made my play list for a long time! You know, a song among many songs that you listen to over and over till it slowly slips off your list of "this moment" songs! I never knew the song would have such meaning. To be with Vicki when she died was the absolute most difficult thing I have ever experienced in this life! She never did really say goodbye...her last words were.. "It's OK...you can go...I'll see you in the morning!" She said this the night before she died! I did think about this song in the weeks after she died and I told myself there was just no way I could listen to it. It would be way too emotional and too difficult. Well, while the song did get airplay for The Calling, it certainly wasn't a monster hit, so one morning very soon after that difficult Saturday I was in the shower listening to Live 95.9 for news and weather before work and out of nowhere they play this song. My heart moved to my throat, but I listened and it has become my mourning song! It was a moment of synchronicity to be sure, or at least I thought that to myself! I haven't posted it because it was like I wanted to keep it to myself! My own personal and meaningful psalm of sadness and loss! So now I post it as I enter the most challenging point in my life after Vicki, without her help and support for me, this life, and Bailey! It just couldn't be any harder right now! The original video cannot be embedded so I am using someone elses video with lyrics.....I have listened to this song many times with face soaking tears! So I share this song from my own soul of pain and meaning with several doses of fear and struggle!

I have added these pictures to help this post have some light. The graduation picture was taken by me in 1987 at North Adams State College after she completed her degree to teach. The top picture is from 1986 and was taken even before we were married and it was taken in my room at my parents house.

1 comment:

  1. this is important stuff you're mucking through, my man. i am weeping listening to this song and writing these words... keep on. i love you.