Survivor's Guilt and a Muddled Brain!

I have been writing of late about how hard things are and believe me I am not exaggerating. If anything, knowing me, I am understating things. I feel such powerful emotions and I really feel sick inside. I really feel that the stress of a new position at school is a big part. But, I also think I feel awful that Vicki cannot teach this fall. Right now she would be very excited and preparing to teach. She loved what she did sooo very much. I don't love it nearly as much. That doesn't mean I don't do it well. I relate to students in a meaningful way and can relay information in productive ways. I just feel bad about that....I am doing what she had taken from her! Life just seems to be pressing against me and yet I know if I hang in there, and lower my standards I can be OK! This song by Toad the Wet Sprocket says it well! I'll post the lyrics too!


It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my head's full of things that I can't mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I can't understand what I did last night

It's hard to rely on my own good senses
When I miss so much that requires attention
Have to laugh at myself sometimes
And I can see that I'm not blind

There's little relief
Give us reprieve
For all the things I've left behind
I'm positive that I'm not blind

I'm not afraid things won't get better
But it feels like this has gone on forever
You have to cry with your own blue tears
Have to laugh with your own good cheer

It's hard to rely on my good intentions
When my head's full of things that I can't mention
Seems I usually get things right
But I can't understand what I did last night

There's little relief
Give us reprieve
Imagining the world outside
I'm positive that I'm not blind

I can't be hard on you
'cause you know I've been there too
Learned a lot of things from you

But life gives little relief
Give us reprieve
And when everyone is cold as ice
I clinch my fists and close my eyes
Imagining the world outside
But I can see that I'm not blind"


This picture was in Vicki's desk when I cleaned it out after Christmas. It had a post-it on the back from a fellow teacher who wrote, "Vicki...I thought this picture of you was really pretty...plus how often does someone take our pictures at work! Have a good year!