Closer to Love

Yesterday I attended a graveside burial service for for my Grandmother! Helen E. Taylor. She was my last remaining grandparent and was my grandmother from my mother's side of the family. She died in a nursing home at the age of 92. I wasn't particularly close to her but I have many fond memories from my youth of her telling cool stories. To me she seemed to love to laugh! She also was very meticulous about her appearance and always wanted to look her best! I did feel emotion at the service, but it was definitely Vicki emotion. I also felt sad to see my mother cry. She and two of her sisters spent a lot of time in the last 5-8 years caring for her when she still lived alone, as well as visiting the nursing home and making decisions with and for her. My mother told me that she said she knew she was dying and felt some fear when she said,"Are they going to hurt me!" She died a few hours later peacefully!

I just wanted to take a moment on my blog to honor her life and pray for understanding for her 9 living children (one son, Michael died about a year ago from lung cancer).

Please understand I am not trying to be morbid or overly sad. I am sad at times and lonely, yes...but I embrace this time in my life as reality and challenging! I have never been so busy, so overwhelmed, so tired! I sense some people keep distance from me and that only multiplies the aloneness.

Bailey, my son, has even been distant of late. Right after Vicki died we were very close, but day by day he seems to have drifted. I am sure some of it is just that middle school, growing up syndrome. One day I spoke to him and expressed my concern....he sat there and eventually said to me, "It is hard to be close! If I am close and something happens to you it will be hard."

We had a good conversation, but in the middle of the night, that very same day, I heard my bedroom door open and it startled me. It was Bailey. He was teary eyed and he said he had a bad dream. He said that he dreamed that I died. He bent down and hugged me and we talked and he went back to bed.

So please understand I am not wallowing in sadness at all, but I cannot escape this reality. It is in my heart, it is in this house, in the closets and on the walls! REALITY IS THE WILL OF GOD as Rev. Lumsden said at Vicki's memorial service and I agree. I wish people would stop pretending to have all the answers to this mystery we call life. This morning I heard a song on the radio while showering and it really struck me.......



She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees

We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away

I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' oh, Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin'
Down with the wind

And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room
Prayin' Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Cause you are all that I've waited for all of my life
(We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited all of my life

You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Pull me closer to love (You are all that I've waited for)
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Closer to love (Cause you are all that I've waited for)
Closer to love

Pull me closer to love.

So, I am off to the church to show a movie at Vicki's pet project..MOVIE NIGHT because I have been pulled closer to love!