Thursday, April 30, 2009

A Dark Night

I have found myself not writing to this blog this week in part because I was feeling like I SHOULD write upbeat or positive. The problem is that I haven't felt positive and upbeat. I have been in a funk thinking about Vicki and the unfairness of what has happened to her and about my life and how empty it feels. I feel that I need to be honest and DARK if need be! I know I feel alone and sad. Life is so very different. Sometimes doing even simple things feels like I am trying to climb a very steep mountain. I know through hospice that other losses and deaths can trigger feelings about my loss! I read this passage from DARK NIGHTS OF THE SOUL....

When you have lost someone close to you, and friends try to comfort your grief, you know, but they don't, that what you are experiencing is beyond grief. You sense in your body and in the fullness of your emotion a great rupture in the world you have known, an irrevocable emptiness that is not just to be felt but completely absorbed if you are to go on. A genuine dark night of the soul takes you to this crossroad where you have an opportunity, extremely hard won, to live in a different world.

I guess that sums it up for me. No matter how hard I try I cannot put into words what I feel. I try but it is so much deeper that words can express. I know I have to take this ride. I have no choice but to endure and slowly move towards living in a very different world!

Music continues to be a way to reach inside myself. I listened to this song tonight and it seemed to fit. I love Blood Sweat and Tears...even saw them in concert while they were still vital!

1 comment:

  1. This feels right, my man, it is empty and beyond words. Dark and still forming, yes? Be gentle and give yourself time to be in just this place. A wise old salt once told me that bread does not become food unless it rises,and fields do not yield unless they have laid fallow. We'll be back tomorrow... with lots to share.