Best Days of My Life

I love it when I discover music in unlikely places! Not too long ago Bailey and I went to the movies and saw a very fun movie called Hotel for Dogs, and it had a great soundtrack. I went into my ZUNE community and listened to the entire album and a few songs really appealed to me. I can't begin to tell you how many musical influences I have. I don't think there are too many people that I have come into meaningful contact with that i didn't walk away with a musical connection of some kind.

I have written a lot about sadness and deeper matters of the soul but sometimes it is just nice to hear a light song that makes your foot tap or your lips move to the lyrics. Even the simplest song could be playing at some important time in your life and it sticks in your brain forever and can even become important to you. That is why I am very careful about judging or dismissing music that others like no matter what I think of it. I could very well be diminishing some profound memory of theirs and I know how important my musical memories are!

The first song from Hotel for Dogs is Best Days by Matt White. The song definitely sent be back in time to what were easily the best days of my life. Those days were the day I met Vicki through the first ten years of our marriage. Not that having a child wasn't wonderful but we had 10 full years together to live and enjoy each other. We did everything together, shopping, cooking, laughing, travel, and so much more. I am so grateful that we took that time before starting a family. We used to lay in bed and talk about spiritual things and listen to tapes of sermons and of course our cat Sam was always there, under the covers to keep warm. There was our first apartment and trying to keep warm in the winter. We used to drink wine and dance around the house like crazy people on Friday nights. I think Friday nights were always my favorite with Vicki. We'd unwind and have the whole weekend ahead! I loved to share wine with her and make her laugh. She used to say that I was the happiest person in the world when I woke up in the morning. Anyhow here is my first song...I was trying to keep this blog entry light....



The second song is light and fun and A Beautiful World by Tim Myers.....

Photo credit: http://www.artistrising.com/products/432005/sun-lovers.htm

Merry Christmas and U2

Christmas and all of it's joy and sorrow is coming to an end as I write these words. Yes, there was joy and happiness but at one point this morning I remember thinking that I felt like I was in a place that had a loud echo. A place like a large room that is empty enough to hear your own voice bounce off hard walls. The tree is beautiful and Bailey and I exchanged gifts and smiled but together we felt and dealt with a void TOO LARGE to ignore.

Yesterday afternoon we attended the 4 o'clock Christmas Eve service at First Church and enjoyed the children as they acted out the manger scene unrehearsed. It was cute, funny and a wonderful family service! We debated which service to attend since there was another at 7:30 that was going to be more "adult." Bailey wanted to go at 4:00 and during the service he talked a lot about his mother and how she had done children's pageants in the past. It was a nice time and we were able to have communion and prayer!

This morning after I brewed a cup of coffee, turned on all the Christmas lights, and got a fire going in the fireplace we sat and opened gifts. Bailey bought me a pair of shoes (yes they fit and are pretty cool, go figure) and a heated and vibrating back cushion for a chair, either at home or in the car. Bailey said he bought it for me because the box said it could help reduce stress. Now, how sweet is that? Then a bit later Bailey said that it seemed that many people had left us. I think the exact word he used was forgotten! Now that was profound! Yes, many people have seemed to drift away and it has made for a lonely condition for both Bailey and I. Together though we forge ahead giving each other all that we can. There is no anger or hatred but maybe a realization at this Christmas time that we should all remember the new possibilities that Christ's birth symbolizes. We are grateful for those who have remained close and caring.

I have seen many programs about Christ and his life on the National Geographic channel and they led me to recall some of Thomas Moore's latest book about the Gospels. At the end of the book he talks about how it is never mentioned in the Gospels that Christ was desiring to start a religion. Instead he was offering "a peaceful and fulfilling life by adopting a different set of values. The crux, of course, is a shift from judgement, competition and aggression to the rule of an open heart."

He goes on to give four ways to live the Gospel spirit in today's world and perhaps this can be (and is as I write) my own object of contemplation and direction on this day of birth! Not the birth of a more virtuous and improved person but the beginning of a way to care more about each other in this "worldwide community!"

So his first suggestion is to..."cultivate a respect for people who are not of your circle and whom society rejects."

Secondly he says, "...do everything possible to deal effectively with demonic urges in yourself and in society. You do something about aggression, paranoia, narcissism, greed, jealousy, and violence. You live with a mindset that doesn't justify such things but seeks alternatives."

Third,...."You play the role of a healer in every situation. The word THERAPY appears 47 times in the New Testament--you adopt a therapeutic posture in the style of Jesus the healer."

Finally, "You stay awake and don't fall into the unconsciousness of the age. You help others wake up to a thoughtful life imagined in fresh, original, and convivial ways. (Convivial means fond of feasting, drinking, and merry company.)

Hmmm... sounds like a good way to be reborn at this time of the celebration of a man's birth that taught these very things. Yes, he lived a divine and fully human life. Historically many have tended to try to elevate or mystify that divinity in ways that distance us from our own divinity. Moore says that, "Christ lived fully on this earth in the community of his friends and family, but he also never left contact with his heavenly father. He was shamanic, skilled at being both earthy and visionary." Then he goes on to point out that Renaissance theologians said, "that we too could be both human and divine. Deus humanus was their phrase, a divine human." I agree with Moore when he says that our world (our culture) has lost it's "spiritual vision" and have turned the gospels into a "book of moral standards."

I remember hearing an evangelist named Malcolm Smith in 1977 at a retreat on Lake George in New York say that indeed we are all sons and daughters of God. I recall his words. GOD, capital G, unbeginning and eternal and us, his vice-regent on Earth, a finite copy of the infinite, little g........yes we too can be divine and human. We can imagine a new world. Blasphemy? Or is this thinking the kingdom here and now for this age and beyond? A new Dawn?

I have been listening to U2 a lot lately and recently purchased another DVD. This time it is the VERTIGO tour. This performance of a great song strikes me...Pay close to attention to Bono's headband and his comments that begin with COEXIST...

This next song simply demonstrates the deep spiritual connection of a rock band and clearly mirrors Thomas Moore's four steps of Gospel living stated above! How profound, moving. connected and all from something many would write off as meaningless rock n roll from the secular world! No....more like fully human and connected to their heavenly father?


All Pictures taken tonight 12-25-09

Silver and Gold

I was in a music and video store and picked up U2's Rattle and Hum on DVD and my life has not been the same. What a great live performance and in surround on a big screen and kick-ass sound! I can't stop watching and I paid only $9.99 for it! I am a sensitive and intuitive person and I know soul, meaning and depth when I see and hear it. AMAZING! Vicki left me her church....her minister...and knowing him led me to look even deeper at U2...THANK GOD! Here is one of my favorites...can't stop moving and grooving to this....



My therapist said...after many years of therapy that she could see that I have a musical and poetic soul.....I KNOW music saved my life literally! This song is so DAMN awesome.....



Seriously....every night after busy days of work and mental energy spent I sit back...alone and watch this DVD....SO INSPIRING and content to immerse myself in inspiration! I want to post the lyrics to this song.....

If you twist and turn away
If you tear yourself in two again
If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go
Surrender, dislocate

If I could throw this lifeless
Lifeline to the wind
Leave this heart of clay
See you walk, walk away
Into the night
Through the day
Into the half-light
And through the flame

If I could through myself
Set your spirit free
I'd lead your heart away
See you break, break away
Into the light
Through the day
Into the half-light
Through the flame

Sing it

To let it go
And so to find a way
To let it go
And so find a way

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no, no
I'm not sleeping

If they should ask then maybe
They'd tell you what I would say
True colours fly in blue and black
Blue silken skies and burning flag
Colours crash, collide in blood shot eyes

If I could, you know I would
If I could, I would let it go

This desparation
Separation
Condemnation
In temptation
Isolation
Revelation
Isolation
Revelation
Desolation

Let it go
And so to find a way
Let it go
And so fade, fade, fade away
Not fade away
No, no
Not fade away
No, no
Not fade away
Let it go
And so fade away
To let it go
And so fade, fade, fade away
Fade away
Not fade away
No, no
Not fade away

I'm wide awake
I'm wide awake
Wide awake
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no
I'm not sleeping
Oh, no

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you
Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday
Who could hang a name on you

Pleased to meet you
I hope you guessed my name
You know I'm pleased to meet you
I hope you guessed my name

So let it go
And so find a way
So let it go
And so find, find, find a way

Picture credit
http://jameswagner.com/mt_archives/Aaron_Young_silver_and_gold.jpg

Remembering "Saying Goodbye to Vicki"

This is going to be a long blog!!! In the middle of the hustle and bustle of a typical week teaching middle school kids and trying to think about and prepare for Christmas I had many thoughts about Vicki and what I might write about in this blog today! One year ago tonight at about 6:30, or one year ago tomorrow December 6th, which is the actual date, Vicki died! I knew the end was coming, as I watched how she was breathing, so I called her minister (James Lumsden whose memorial words will be the major portion of this post) maybe ten minutes before she died. I was with my father when he died from cancer and being with Vicki was sadly familiar and even more difficult. I have lots of images and feelings that I see and feel. I occasionally visit them and then put them away because they are too difficult to dwell on! But I do allow myself to remember and that is reality! I have known too many people who are capable of not dealing with reality through addiction, through their theology, religion or philosophy or by simply being too busy!

There are two more points I want to make in this blog....One is that today and for the last few weeks, I have felt two things, two gravitational forces. One is sadness, lonliness, the unfairness of it all and it feels pretty shitty at times. But, the other is hope, light, possiblitly, and the future! I feel a sense of gladness for having survived with Bailey for year. It is impossible to believe that much time has gone by. I am also grateful to those who have reached out and demonstrated their caring for Vicki, as well as Bailey and I. The chapters of my life that included Vicki were filled with all the stuff of life; laughter and tears, joy and sorrow, hope and defeat, closeness and distance, creation and destruction, and life and death. I would do it all again! Vicki is gone, but like the lyrics from one of the more powerful songs I have posted in the past, "Like sand on my feet, the smell of sweet perfume, you'll stick to me forever, baby!"



MY second point concerns my son, Bailey. No one, no matter how hard they sell any other notion no one has lost more than he has. For him, this is a powerful life changing detour in life. He has lost a vital and precious life force that would have influenced not just his present, but his future as well. Vicki of course is an still an influence in his life, but her parenting, her teachings, and her loving embraces are gone and cannot be replaced AND IF I COULD BE SO BOLD, this what many people have lost sight of! He has had to make so many adjustments that it is impossible to imagine completely. Irreplaceable things can only be approximated, never completely replaced. I want to post a video that I shot in 2001. Bailey was 5 years old and it captures the joy of Christmas like no other. He runs down the stairs and runs into the den where his little tree is and there are no presents under it and he thinks for a moment that he didn't get anything. Every Christmas after that we were sure to place one gift under HIS tree. Then he runs into the living room and sees his dream gift...a piano. He loved the organ at church and the way the organist played it. He soo wanted one to learn to play. He is so excited and his laugh so genuinely filled with joy! He even hits himself in the head! He is thrilled when Vicki finally finds the organ setting on the keyboard. Then you can hear him say, "I've got a long way to go!" meaning he realizes it will take lots of practice to be like Lou! He even worries that Vicki might change the setting when he leaves for second. No one memory makes me cry more tears of joy and sadness than this video. It captures the youthful joy of Christmas! This 3 minute clip makes it all worthwhile and proves my point about Bailey and Vicki! I treasure these memories and they sustain me!


Now I want to post Reverend Lumsden's sermon from that day. I could think of no other more appropriate tribute to her life and the way she lived. I heard these words that day and I knew that Rev. Lumsden was special and he knew that Vicki was too!

Saying good-bye to Vicki...
NOTE: these are my notes for today's memorial service for my friend and colleague, Vicki Forfa.

“Reality is the will of God,” said the German mystic preacher, Meister Eckhart. “Reality is the will of God – and while it can always be better – we have to start with what is real.” And from my perspective as Vicki’s pastor, friend and colleague, let me say what feels real for a lot of us today: I hate that she is dead. She died way too young, way too quick and in a way that was way too hard for such a genuinely loving and sweet woman.


I hate it… It makes me cry – it makes me angry – and it makes confused about the love of God. Now, I say all of this not only because I know many of you are thinking and feeling it, but because I am, too. It is only natural to feel hurt and empty and angry when someone like Vicki is taken before what we might think is her time. Not a lot of this death makes any sense, right?

And while some religious traditions try to make excuses for these hard times – talking about the mystery of God or even suggesting that God does these things for reasons we will never know – THIS tradition doesn’t go down that road. THIS tradition asks hard questions – feels hard feelings – and tries to make sense out of hard truths. And one of the hard truths about Vicki’s death is that… it doesn’t make sense. It isn’t fair… and it hurts like hell that she is gone.

THAT, as they used to say on the TV show “Dragnet,” is just the facts ma’am. This is a hard person to lose. Think of what she meant to those who knew and loved her: She was a loving mom who adored Bailey – and raised him to be a sensitive young man of integrity. She was a wife who made a beautiful home and filled it with all the love she could. She was a daughter and sister who cared deeply for her family. She was a teacher who gave over 20 years of her life bringing stability and hope to some of this town’s most troubled children. And she was a Sunday School teacher – and servant of God – who showed the world the loving face of Christ in tender, gentle and compassionate ways.

And it just hurts – hurts deeply – that Vicki is gone. As someone in church said on Sunday, “It feels surreal – it happened way too fast – and really stings!” I agree – and that is the first truth I want to claim today. If reality is the will of God then our reality is that we feel the emptiness in a ton of hard and painful ways since Vicki died. And as some of you know, she felt this emptiness, too. She didn’t really dwell on it – and she didn’t wallow in self-pity – but as Vicki told me last week: “I had some hard questions for God – I had some real doubts in my faith – this is soooo unfair.”

And after shedding a few tears – which she almost NEVER did in public – then she said, “That fear and doubt lasted for about… a whole week. Then I got a sense that it would be alright so I moved on.” I’m not kidding: that’s what she told me. She was angry and confused by the will of God for a whole… week – then she found a way to embrace and accept the reality of her life. "A week?" I told her. "I've been freaking angry and confused with God since February when you got this miserable diagnoses." But that was Vicki...

And that’s the second really important thing I want to share with you today: if reality is the will of God then acceptance is the way into God’s peace. And more than many people I know, Vicki both embodied and shared God’s peace with real depth and integrity. She wasn’t faking it, was she? She knew that peace that passes understanding – that real comfort that God promises – from the inside out. And she gave it away with such grace and ease – one of the great scholars and preachers of our tradition here at First Church, Reinhold Niebuhr, wrote a prayer we now know as the Serenity Prayer – wrote it not too far from here actually one summer in the 1940s – and it says:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace; Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen.


Acceptance – facing the truth of our condition in life with honesty and trust – surrendering to the reality all around us as the will of God is how Vicki found a way into God’s peace. She did this BEFORE her illness and she did it through her sickness, too. And I have to tell you: it is the KEY to serenity – peace – living within the very peace of God. Think about what a GREAT spring and summer she had knowing that she was fighting pancreatic cancer. She picked blueberries, lived a full and loving life and was at peace within herself and among us all. And man did she keep her sense of humor: even last week when it was clear that there was less time for her than more she kept making me laugh.


For example, last Monday, when it was clear that her kidneys were failing and I asked her, “Do you want to have any visitors from church?” she said no… not really… she wanted to save her time and energy for those in her family. Then she looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Except for maybe… you. It’d be ok if you came around!"

A few days later when the jaundice had set in and she was really starting to fade she took my hand – and fell asleep briefly. And when she woke up she said, “There’s just one more thing I want to tell you.” And I was thinking it was going to be something profound or deep – something for this memorial service. So holding my hand she looked me in the eyes again and said, “No robe or pulpit, ok?” She knew that I would think of this as an important and formal time and would probably want to wear my robe, but she said “NO robe or pulpit, ok?” Because Vicki wanted to give me permission to be fully me – just as she was fully herself. “No robe or pulpit…” Then she faded away for a minute and when she woke up she said, “It’s going to be ok, now, I know that… so it’s time for you to go!” And we laughed as my eyes filled with tears and she waved me away.

Acceptance – surrender – and trust: they were key to how Vicki lived and shared her faith. They were essential in equipping her with the strength to face this miserable cancer. And they are one of the very important gifts she offers to you and me if we’re willing to pay attention.

The prophet Isaiah told the people of Israel living in exile that God would send them angels to bring them comfort and peace – Vicki was one of those angels, I think, she certainly was to me. And I think she was to her school and her family and her church. She knew how important it was to quietly and consistently bring comfort to those who needed it the most – and her testimony has a lot to teach us who remain about how the words of God become flesh.

She also knew how to bring people together, yes? People who needed one another but might be too afraid or shy or whatever to make a connection. There is a powerful image from the Hebrew Bible in Psalm 85 about how God’s will is done within and among us and it has to do with mercy and justice embracing. A reworking of this song of praise reminded me of Vicki… for it says:


Love and Truth meet in the street,
Right Living and Whole Living embrace and kiss!
Truth sprouts green from the ground,
Right Living pours down from the skies!
Oh yes! God gives Goodness and Beauty;
our land responds with Bounty and Blessing.
Right Living strides out before him,
and clears a path for his passage.


Two little girls in this church – who are not so little anymore – told their momma that they wanted to come back and be a part of this church NOT because of the organ music or the classical music program… And NOT because the preacher… and certainly NOT because the people knew how to be all that friendly. No, the reason why they wanted to come back and be a part of this congregation is because VICKI was there… and she knew how to reach out beyond her comfort zone and embrace them. Make them feel welcome… love them just as they were – if I were to say Vicki knew how to bring compassion and hope together would you say: AMEN!??!

In our tradition of Christianity we sometimes say that the authentic follower of Jesus is NOT the person with all the answers – or all the degrees – or even the best words. No, the real follower of Jesus is the one who knows how to feed his sheep.

To feed the sheep of our world demands compassion – and patience – and tenderness. It requires being true and real and humble. One person said that if you are going to feed the sheep of this world you can’t be too full of yourself. Like communion bread you have to be taken – and blessed – and broken and shared. And man, does that ever describe our sister, Vicki! Taken – by God to be a servant – blessed by God with love and trust – broken by God so that you can feel the wounds of another – and then shared in God’s name so that others might know they aren’t alone.


Vicki did all of that: she knew God’s love from the inside out – she was so humble in EVERYTHING that she did – and it was all so that someone else might shine.. or be loved… or find hope. She had the voice of an angel – that’s what brought her to this church – singing in Lou’s oratorio choir: and she loved music. But what kept her here – and what kept her going – was not music or choirs or official church programs: it was God’s love. A love that had taken her and filled her and blessed her – broken and transformed her – so that she could share that deep peace in life… in death… in life beyond life.

When she was first diagnosed with cancer I asked her what story from scripture this made her think of – and at first she squished up her face in concentration – and then she said she wasn’t sure but that she remembered that I asked her that when she was on the search committee that brought me from Tucson, AZ to this cold, wonderful New England town. We waited for a bit and then I said, you know what story comes to my mind? That story at the end of John’s gospel where the resurrected Lord comes back to have breakfast with Peter on the beach…

It is a story of great tenderness that has two important truths: after talking and loving and healing Peter back into wholeness Jesus asks him, “Peter, do you love me? Then feed my sheep…” He asks this question three times just to make sure Peter got it.. and then he said this and it became true for Vicki over this past year.

Jesus said, “When you were young, you went wherever you wanted to go, but now that you are older you must let someone else gird your loins and lead you into those places you do NOT want to go.”

Vicki did not want to die – she had too much to live for – and you are part of that evidence. And more than many I know, she fought the good fight and made the most out of the time she was given. But when it became clear that life in this realm was coming to an end, she let the Master gird her loins and lead her into those places she did not want to go. And she did it with depth and integrity and faith…

Vicki was a tender and loving teacher until the end… she showed us the blessings of acceptance and surrender – the power of trust and love – and the wisdom of compassion and honor. I have been blessed by her ministry among us and I miss her sooooooo deeply. But I am able to give thanks this day for her life – her life, her death and her life beyond death. Thanks be to God for Vicki Forfa. May she be with her Lord now and forever.

I just feel this need to end this blog today with one song.........this is what I felt........

Meet Me Halfway!

I am taking a break from holiday cleaning to write a quick post. I have my turkey and all the fixings ready to cook tomorrow and at the moment I feel just fine. Yesterday was real tough, but I had a therapy session where I poured my heart out about many things and I got lots of validation and caring. I cannot begin to explain the value of therapy that connects and works for you. I cried lots of tears about many things and in the end my therapist said that I was an "incredibly unique human being that exists outside the mainstream" and that I should be glad about that. But, she shared that she is concerned about me because as a result she also sees me as very lonely and alone. Some of that aloneness is the result of my uniqueness and some is because of others who cannot connect and see me for me! I get lots of crazy mail from people trying to help explaining everything to me as though they KNOW what is...... and that only seems to muck things up for me. I end up feeling like I am in a crazy place..maybe like a traffic jam with no way out!

Anyhow I don't want to rant here. but I do want to include that my therapist feels that I need more connections (like RJ) that can literally get me!.....My minister and friend has been the one person who has reached out and I must say practices what he literally does preach....check out his blog...http://rj-whenlovecomestotown.blogspot.com/2009/11/looking-for-god-in-all-wrong-places.html.... I know he doesn't seek this kind of praise but I have had a strong feeling that I need to say this. Without him I am not sure where I would be right now and ironically this connection to him is a GIFT from Vicki. I am not going to explain that gift here but I know he will understand! I will continue to search remain open-minded and at the same time steadfast in my desire to follow the new myth that Jesus proposes and explained in Thomas Moore's book, WRITING IN THE SAND.....

"Jesus is proposing a new myth to live by, an alternative vision for accomplishing these four goals: to have a spiritual existence, to have a appropriate relationship with the natural world, to live by real communal values and to be psychologically secure and CREATIVE."

I cannot believe that the only reason I began this blog entry was to play a few new tunes....I know I post lots of older music and that is the result of 45 years or so of listening and collecting, but I do still listen to new music. It isn't as easy as it one was. I used to have time to just sit on my bed in my room as a teenager and young adult and just listen and also read every word of the ALBUM cover, sleeve, etc...

I watched the American Music Awards the other night and I enjoyed the program. Some music grabbed me..some didn't! Here are a couple of songs and groups that I listen to. The first song by the Black Eyed Peas actually has some meaning and I think some connection to this blog entry which I did not initially intend. You may want to go to You Tube to see this one since it is HD and you can't see the whole screen here! Fergie is very nice to look at as well!:-) I hope a few people who know me hear it and can make some sense of it....it will take some imagination.




The next song is from The Kings of Leon and again I think some connection to this blog. I am still a bit amazed that my desire to just share some music has resulted in connections. Ahh..the souls longings can be so amazing if we have imagination and creativity in our everyday lives! I love songs that have an other-worldly feel ( Toad the Wet Sprocket) and I think this song has that feel!



Back to holiday preparation! The pics included in this blog are from my Christmas past! I love the picture of Bailey posing under the tree! He is truly a gift!

REMASTERED But Never Replicated!

The November/December issue of BERKSHIRE LIVING has another great review and article about the Beatles and their newly remastered music. Seth Rogovoy is right on again, not only about the quality of these new recordings, but also in his analysis of their music in his article titled, EVEN FABBER. He begins with...

I mean, I knew they were great—heck, beyond great. They were essential, innovative, transformative, simply the greatest ever. I knew that it went without saying that all music that came after them was unthinkable without their influence, that nothing was left untouched by their musical legacy, reaching far beyond the confines of rock and pop to include even the most avant-garde new classical music by the likes of Bang on a Can. Their influence was so widespread and widely felt that it was rarely worth noting; it would be like saying Western religion is influenced by the Bible or modern physics by Albert Einstein. The Beatles created and defined modern pop and rock as we know it.He then goes on to make 5 important observations...

1.The Beatles were first and foremost a vocal group.

2.The Beatles were at once a minimalist combo and a rock"n" roll orchestra.

3. The unsung hero of the group was George Harrison.

4. Producer George Martin was right: the "White Album" would have made a great single album.

5. The Beatles were not John Lennon's group. While it’s a fact that Lennon put the group together, and in his inimitable, passive-aggressive fashion, broke the group apart, the Beatles were, perhaps more than any other band before or since, an organic entity of four equal parts, the sum of which was much greater than any individual element.

All that I can say is that I loved and still love the music and know that when I heard those songs at age 6, 7 and 8 I felt like it I had never heard anything like it before and LOVED to sing along!!!! I am glad to own all of these remastered Cd's and they sound great on a great sound system!

Here is the link to this great article for all of you hardcore Beatles fans! (RJ) :-)

http://berkshireliving.com/beat-Beatles-box-set-stereo-Seth-Rogovoy-NOV-DEC-2009

One more great song!

Letting GO

I would really like to be writing on this blog more, but while I think it is going well, school is extremely demanding. I have to admit that my mind continues to be flooded with memories of a year ago. Most of these memories are about the hospital and are difficult and sad! In fact, Bailey and I went to his orthopaedic surgeon yesterday to check his arm out and schedule his next surgery to remove the hardware. We were right next to the hospital and I thought about Vicki's last surgery and just how scared I was for her! My heart knew things were not well at all! The date for Bailey's surgery is set tentatively for Friday January 15. His arm has healed well, although one of the two bones does have a curve to it, which is causing no harm! The Doctor said the curve is probably caused by the impact of his fall! He is thrilled with this date because he can play his part in the school winter concert the week before! He was funny because I heard him talking to a friend on the phone and he called himself the luckiest person in the world because he will be able to perform that night!

I also received the Hospice mailing that discusses "the hurdle" of the first anniversary of the loss of a loved one! It advises having a plan for the day and seeking support since one can never really know what the reaction to the day will be! The letter also contained a poem as usual and I want to post it here!

Letting GO

...is not to deny, but to accept.

...is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead

to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

...is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

...is to fear less and love more.

...does not mean to stop caring for my loved one;

it means I can't live for them.

...is to be able to admit powerlessness,

which means sometimes outcomes are not in my hands.

...is to allow myself to learn from natural consequences.

...is not to change or blame my loved one,

but to make the most of myself.

IS not to judge,

but to see mistakes as a part of learning and of being human.

I like to follow my instincts and this is the song that popped into my head after typing the poem above...

I loved Dan Fogelberg when I was younger and ironically he passed away December 16, 2007 at the age of 56 from prostate cancer. When I went to You Tube to get this video I read some of the comments and this is one of them.....

I just found out Fogelberg died because I looked up this song--man, that's too bad. It's too bad because, I believe, Earth loses a lot of love and positive energy when we lose people like Fogelberg.

I think people deep in their souls recognize the spiritual value of the arts and especially music and poetry which somehow make life more visible, clear, and comprehensive. I posted the link to Fogelberg's website...it is very profound!
http://www.danfogelberg.com/index.html

One last song!

Way Away or Spiritual Friends

Some things are just too hard to ignore as we live our lives! I spent a lot of time yesterday in therapy discussing my feelings and how crazy my life is. Loneliness,and how my new job, on top of this new life, has really robbed me of so many things that I enjoy doing (including being the parent I'd like to be). My therapist talked about our culture and how we are not a very nurturing one! She observed that mourning, taking care of the house, life, and Bailey alone would be enough..a full life! The message in this country is to be a tough individual, work hard to buy things, and the tough go it alone. Work hard and everything will work out! No one at work sees me as I really am. In fact, overall most people don't, which only adds to the burden! We talked about other countries with much different attitudes. In some places, I would have been allowed time off to mourn and regroup as a result of public policy and as my therapist said, "You have literally been born into a new life!" and that birth was and is just like labor, painful and forced into a cold world with tears and fears. Yes, in the long run the process can become joyful and fulfilling with a new life built upon the previous one. Not really replacing it, but evolving from it, never forgetting what once was. Now, I did get time off after Vicki died, but only time that I had worked for and earned, not time as a result of any understanding of what THIS JOURNEY is about! I am grateful that I had the time I did and for sure it was more than most people get in this culture with it's emphasis on violence, war, and force, as opposed to kindness, caring, peace, love, and understanding!

Then I went home and read the Blog, WHEN LOVE COMES TO TOWN, (the link to this blog is in my side bar) and in a familiar pattern that I feel has been happening to me for at least two years...major synchronicity! Here are a few lines from Rev. Lumsden's blog post.....

Now here’s the thing: NOBODY can do this all by themselves. One of the key truths for making sense of the darkness and finding value and even healing from our suffering is that we all need help. We need some evidence that Christ really is with us on the journey through our darkness. You see, there is an unholy and dangerous lie that most of us have accepted and affirmed – often without really knowing it – that sounds something like this: God helps those who help themselves. • Have you heard that before? It isn’t true – completely – and doesn’t even come from the Bible. Like I’ve said before, this is an aphorism from St. Ben Franklin – who was a wise old dude – but not a spiritual master.

You see, there it is, that cultural attitude of rugged individualism that we can only survive a Dark Night of the Soul on our own. The Rev. Lumsden goes on....

Do you grasp the difference? If all we know is the command to tough it out in private all by ourselves, you can bet that we will become deaf to the Lord’s sweeter but more quiet song...

You won’t hear that promise outside of worship, my friends. It just isn’t a song that is celebrated in our popular culture. The wisdom of our consumer society is if you work hard enough – and pay dearly enough – you can get everything you want and need. And if you don’t… you are a loser.And that is why our tradition reminds us that in order to make it through the valley of the shadow of death, we need -SPIRITUAL HELPERS-wise helpers – to serve as Christ to us in our need. Without them, we’re sunk. And one of the most blessed things you can do for another is journey with them through hard times.

I think most people have kind hearts, but the difference is like a person who buys you a nice gift, but one they think is cool and you might like, as opposed to a gift that is the result of listening, knowing, being present, and connected, and something you truly need and will enjoy! Ultimately, we have a culture driven by "selfness" and a desire for things we don't really need!

Here is the Link to Rev. Lumsden's sermon..... http://rj-whenlovecomestotown.blogspot.com/2009/11/spiritual-friendship-as-evidence-in.html

I also have to say that Rev. Lumsden (RJ) has been a spiritual friend and it is a strange thing only because it feels so foreign to me. In other words, I recognize it because it is so very different and good!

Here is a perfect song by what has been the perfect group the last 18 months. Maybe it is just the way I see it, or this song fits this perfectly. I love music..I love the vocals..I love another Toad song. I am also posting the lyrics...

Lines of people to pass you by

Posing sympathy with their whitewash eyes

With the ladies feigning their mourning cries

And the men shaking hands:

Weigh away

Way away

All the pictures in your mind

As you're passed the thousandth time

Thousandth photograph

Listen to sympathetic lies

As their reasons change under mourning guise

With the gentlemen feigning sorrowed sighs

And drinking champagne:

Weigh away

Way away

As all the people pass and pose

You hold back the tears

And hold onto memories

Small talk hangs like a dirty cloud

Saying nothing real but deafening loud

An urge to run away from the crowd

And mourn all alone:

Make a promise to no-one

Wondering if you'd been worthwhile

Turn away from the chatter

And the hungry smiles

Closer to Love

Yesterday I attended a graveside burial service for for my Grandmother! Helen E. Taylor. She was my last remaining grandparent and was my grandmother from my mother's side of the family. She died in a nursing home at the age of 92. I wasn't particularly close to her but I have many fond memories from my youth of her telling cool stories. To me she seemed to love to laugh! She also was very meticulous about her appearance and always wanted to look her best! I did feel emotion at the service, but it was definitely Vicki emotion. I also felt sad to see my mother cry. She and two of her sisters spent a lot of time in the last 5-8 years caring for her when she still lived alone, as well as visiting the nursing home and making decisions with and for her. My mother told me that she said she knew she was dying and felt some fear when she said,"Are they going to hurt me!" She died a few hours later peacefully!

I just wanted to take a moment on my blog to honor her life and pray for understanding for her 9 living children (one son, Michael died about a year ago from lung cancer).

Please understand I am not trying to be morbid or overly sad. I am sad at times and lonely, yes...but I embrace this time in my life as reality and challenging! I have never been so busy, so overwhelmed, so tired! I sense some people keep distance from me and that only multiplies the aloneness.

Bailey, my son, has even been distant of late. Right after Vicki died we were very close, but day by day he seems to have drifted. I am sure some of it is just that middle school, growing up syndrome. One day I spoke to him and expressed my concern....he sat there and eventually said to me, "It is hard to be close! If I am close and something happens to you it will be hard."

We had a good conversation, but in the middle of the night, that very same day, I heard my bedroom door open and it startled me. It was Bailey. He was teary eyed and he said he had a bad dream. He said that he dreamed that I died. He bent down and hugged me and we talked and he went back to bed.

So please understand I am not wallowing in sadness at all, but I cannot escape this reality. It is in my heart, it is in this house, in the closets and on the walls! REALITY IS THE WILL OF GOD as Rev. Lumsden said at Vicki's memorial service and I agree. I wish people would stop pretending to have all the answers to this mystery we call life. This morning I heard a song on the radio while showering and it really struck me.......



She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away

She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call from our knees

We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away

I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' oh, Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin'
Down with the wind

And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room
Prayin' Lord come through

We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light
Oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Cause you are all that I've waited for all of my life
(We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited all of my life

You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Pull me closer to love (You are all that I've waited for)
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love
Closer to love (Cause you are all that I've waited for)
Closer to love

Pull me closer to love.

So, I am off to the church to show a movie at Vicki's pet project..MOVIE NIGHT because I have been pulled closer to love!

This Time!

At this time last year, in fact one year to the day yesterday,Vicki and I went to see Bailey's school band Halloween concert. What sticks in my mind is that Vicki was really starting to feel poorly. She had gotten very weak, much like she was before she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. In fact, I had to drive her right to the door and drop her off and then go and park the car. We live only 5 minutes (walking) from the school! Well, I guess what I am saying and feeling is that this event really marks the beginning of a very challenging and difficult time. In therapy I asked my therapist what I have to be positive about and she said, "You have a future!" So very true and there have been moments where I feel optimistic and positive about life. It is like I have been a zombie for the last year, alive yet comatose, hyper-aware, but sleepy, living life but not feeling truly alive. Dealing with death is such a powerful force. It it is the ultimate reminder of how powerless we can be and that we understand so little. I have truly been on a voyage that I never bought a ticket for (Night Sea Journey). So now I live in the push and pull of going forward, but having these vivid memories that are burned into my mind. It isn't that I want to forget at all , nor am I trying to avoid the feelings in any way. It is all a part of this journey. Anyhow, Bailey was supposed perform in this years Halloween concert last night, but it was cancelled due to the fact that so many students and adults have been sick in our school. This week more than 28% of our students have been absent with various illnesses but most with the flu (some with swine flu).

The picture I have posted above is of the very best costume Bailey ever wore for trick-or-treat! Vicki found the instructions for making it in Family Fun magazine and I made it. Bailey got chased by dogs in the neighborhood because they thought he was really being carried by the SCREAM character. The other picture was taken just minutes ago and as you can see Bailey is wearing Michael Jackson's jacket and he is going to be in tonight's Halloween parade with his school as a Michael Jackson/Thriller dancing zombie!!

I want to post the song, THIS TIME from the movie August Rush. The movie was a favorite of Vicki's and is full of emotion and memory for me. In fact, this movie is part of the inspiration for a video I am planning to make using my home video and tons of pictures I took over the years!The video will be a kind of elongated blog entry full of pictures and video (art). This movie and music brings me to deep gut level tears! The song is performed by the actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers.



This movie has great music and I think it conveys the message that has been swirling around me for some time now! "Truth can only be expressed aesthetically--in story, picture, film, dance and music." Music has always been a life saving part of my life. Without it I would not be here! The movie ends with...THE MUSIC IS ALL AROUND US......ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LISTEN! This song works for me...



So if you love music....if you believe in magic, love, hope and know there is power in secular as well as sacred things...WATCH THIS MOVIE! The next quick song shows the diversity of music as well as amazing youth talent in this film!

We Remember Them

I received the newest Hospice mailing to day and sat and ate a cheeseburger with Bailey while I read it. These letters always seem to hit the right spot and this one did no less. It also had a poem from Gates Book of Prayer, Reform Judaism Prayerbook! Here it is..

In the rising of the sun
and its going down,
We remember them;

In the blowing of the wind
and in the chill of winter,
We remember them;

In the opening of buds
and in the warmth of summer,
We remember them;

In the rustling leaves
and the beauty of Autumn
We remember them;

In the beginning of the year
and when it ends,
We remember them;

When we are weary
and in need of strength,
We remember them;

When we are lost
and sick at heart,
We remember them;

When we have joys
we yearn to share,
We remember them;

So long as we live,
they too shall live,
for they are a part of us as
We remember Them.

This song was running through my head..and yes it is Savage garden again...

Field of Dreams

"Truth can only be expressed aesthetically--in story, picture, film, dance and music." This is a quote from "Dark Nights of the Soul" by Thomas Moore. It is also what this blog is ultimately about (see my side bar). Tonight, I caught the film, Field of Dreams on AMC and the tears just flowed at a movie I have seen many times, in fact even own. It is a story where a corn field turned baseball field heals, fulfills, and transforms lives. It is a great movie, perhaps the best Baseball movie of all time ( also Bull Durham)! If you see it you will cry and if you don't, you must not have blood in your veins. Men, especially men who never cry, weep at this one. It is about a father and a son separated by stubbornness and hurtful words who are healed because of a willingness to listen to the inner voice that can guide us all to truth. Many in the movie ask if this place (the field) is heaven. Ray, (Kevin Costner) always answers, "No, this is Iowa!" Then in the end after his father tells him that heaven is a place where dreams come true, Ray says, "Then maybe this is heaven! There are so many other story lines too....a failed ball player turned doctor gets to fulfill a dream and then fate returns him to his true calling......Shoeless Joe Jackson gets to play ball again.....A great writer from the 1960's becomes re-inspired to follow his calling to write.....the farm Rays owns, deep in financial trouble is saved by the inspiration of it all as people flock to pay and see what only those who believe can see...a baseball field in the middle of nowhere with legendary (dead) players playing ball! OK...had enough??? :-) I am going to post a song from the movie by The Doobies...

I had to write this post even though I was too tired to really want to because it all connects to this Sundays Sermon at First Church in Pittsfield. In that sermon we were told to read poetry, listen to music, watch a movie, view art, (See the first line of this post) because Soul (meaning) can be found, inspiration leads to inspiration, and truth can be revealed through imagination today. Enough from me...I will now post the last part of the sermon which contains a song and then the closing words from Sunday's sermon.....please listen, it is the inspiration for this post!


So It wasn't hard for me to complete this assignment. My blog is all about the arts and imagination and meaning. This movie tonight took me to another place. It inspired this entry and created tears and emotion and feeling I can only begin to explain! For me it was magic and for a moment heaven? Emerson said, "The poet stands one step nearer to things" and "Turns the world to glass." I say that truth is cultivated by art, music and literature.

Upside Down is Really Right Side Up

I know that this is a long blog entry and perhaps I do not yet possess the words to express well what I feel on this subject, but if you are a reader hang in there with me and really listen.

Today's sermon at First Church on Park Square in Pittsfield MA was extraordinary at many levels. Reverend Lumsden's words echoed for me personally since I have suffered a severe loss and continue to struggle with many aspects of this life SHOCK! Many people have tried to provide me with religious justifications for what happened to Vicki, and I can tell you some of it has made me very angry! I have been told that God needed Vicki to do more work in heaven because she was so good! I have been told her circumstances were a gift of some sort, and I just wanted to be sick. I truly sense some people don't want to even be near me as I am someone who represents awful life stuff that no one would want to experience! Most of what well-meaning people have said to me only negates the reality of what happened and thus eliminates the kind of lunar luminosity that could shine as a result. Their words are more of an effort to hang onto control rather than relinquish it to the higher power that frees us to truly live an upside down existence. As a man who has read most of what Thomas Moore and a few others have had to say about Christ, God and religion, I would have to say that Rev. Lumsden's remarks could pour right out of a book by Moore! So profound, and pointing to a new/old way of thinking that recognizes that life is full of joy and sorrow, pain and pleasure, miracle and tragedy. God does not cause this sorrow, but the world is constructed in such a way that even a life lived well can end too soon. The foolishness of one can kill hundreds of innocents and even good intentions can cause pain. We have finite physical lives that can only reflect the light of the infinite and all too often we strive to be the light rather than the reflection. Rev. Lumsden and all who think like him represent a shift in thinking that I think was always the intention in Christ's life!

I can tell you that while I see no good in the actual illness and death of Vicki at the age of 44, and I cringe at anyone who would suggest this notion. I have connected with new people (RJ) and new depths of feeling and thought that have helped me with cope with this shock to my soul. Perhaps this new awareness can further my own spiritual growth and call attention to new ways for me approach life. I can tell you that I know that God did not cause this tragedy with the explicit intention of teaching me some valuable cosmic lesson. But, the possibility does exist to see and live with the idea that I do not understand everything, and cannot explain much at all. This shock does indeed grab me and my therapist has even explained that there is a part of the brain that changes as a result of grief and puts someone like me on a sort of hyper alert. I feel that alertness. It has enabled me to view some things that the "normal" more self motivated Steve could not see. I have known some things with my head, but I think I see some things now with my heart. This does not mean that I have changed dramatically, but the opportunity does exist. It truly is a journey and not an easy one!

Enough of my rambling...let me post the three parts of this sermon...please listen to it all along with the wonderful Mindy Smith song performed by Between the Banks.

Religion is perhaps taking a new direction and perhaps it had better since so many seem to be leaving churches. This song by Tommy James and the Shondells with Vicki's sky picture as a backdrop comes to mind! With lines like.... The sun is rising...a new day is coming....see the light...peace and good...brotherhood.....look to your soul and open your mind....

I also want to post this next Springsteen song because it so reflects what one can feel like when dealing with loss, alone and separated.

THANK YOU!

Just a quick post to say thank you to those who care and understand and to RJ for reaching out, I dedicate this song. He is living proof that the message contained it this song is alive and well! I know I am better off as a result of the caring!

LEARN TO BE STILL!

Well church today was an amazing combination of beautiful music, wise words, healing, and emotional spirit. I know I was feeling emotional when I walked into the building! I think it is the change of seasons combined with thoughts of apple picking which Vicki loved to do! Bailey and I were not sure whether we could go this time or not. Last year at this very time, Vicki walked the fields with us, picked lots of apples, and even had the strength to carry a bag back to the tractor, which carried us all back to the store! She bought a bottle of wine to give to her sister as a gift and we sat and drank cider and ate cider doughnuts! A month later, her health began to decline and by December she was clearly dying! I asked Bailey if he wanted to go to the orchard today, and he said he wasn't sure. That was a clear sign to me that he was feeling emotion about it. So we didn't go!

Back in church today, I was feeling lots of intense feelings and Dianne walked in and sat down in the pew in front of me and asked how I was. I said, "OK!", but I wasn't really OK and somehow I sensed she wasn't either. I kept thinking about things to say to her but something stopped me. She has suffered a loss this year as well, (her mother) and I know all too well how the grief can creep up on you when you least expect it! I think whenever life intensifies it's energy, such as the changing of a season, the intensity of grief rises with it! It must be the forces of nature that connect everything in the cosmos! The music today that accompanied the candle lighting portion of the service was just so moving, so spiritual, so connected that I fought back tears through the whole thing. Then when it was time for THE PASSING of Christ's PEACE Dianne turned towards me in tears and we embraced and shared a moment that while emotional and sad, was also healing and connected to everything, including the message surrounding the candle lighting, which was that commitment can be expressed without words and that sometimes words are not even adequate to express the spiritual (especially grief which is the most spiritual thing that has ever happened to me.) Dianne and I shared a spiritual moment that cannot be explained and I am glad she was there to share a moment of grief in the process of healing. A process that we have no control over!

The picture that I am posting of Vicki and Bailey and was taken at church. Last Sunday a member gave it to Bailey and he gave it to me. It took me 15 minutes to gather myself and even know what was going on around me! I think the idea of Vicki not being here for Bailey and his loss of her hurts my insides the most. He loves her sooo much! All of this leads me to two places....first is a poem I wrote (I know this sounds strange but it is VERY true) in a dream! It fits perfect here and probably why it drifted into my brain....It was written at a time when I did lots of poetry writing and of course the more you write the easier it gets. I woke up one night and just wrote it down. It was written on October 16 and 17. 1977.


A SPIRIT IS BORN

The dawning of Autumn ignites the delight,
with leaves descending in colorful flight.
Growing and expanding tp joyous heights,
Christ's spirit brightens each and every light.

A day of Thanksgiving is on the way,

to the warmth of an even greater day.

Anticipation falls, fresh like the snow.

Each passing face has it's glorious glow.

Peace is supreme as the moment arrives.

I feel such cheer and I scarcely know why.

Shivers of excitement fill once quiet streets,

as the spitit of Christmas takes it seat.

The day is near for a star rules the sky.

I feel such cheer and I scarcely know why.

Yes the child is born, the spirit is near.

It touched my hreart the feeling is clear.

Evening draws close with the wonder of why.

I feel that tomorrow the spirit will die.

Cast aside all fear as times endless plight,

sends leaves descending in colorful flight.

The fall is a time ripe for harvest but this fall and holiday season will be overly ripe with memory and emotion for me!

The second place I want to go is my own inner peace. Since Vicki died I have not been sleeping and surely my life is overwhelming at times. In therapy, we are getting ready to work on some meditation and relaxation training to try to calm my inner self! I need to learn to be still! Listen to these lyrics, they are amazing and work for me right now! I watched this DVD last night and have watched it many times The Eagles Hell Freezes Over tour!....LOVE IT!

I think this next song ties into today and even today's church service. Being child like, commitment, healing....and with lines like LOVE IS A PROMISE, LOVE IS A SOUVENIR. ONCE GIVEN, NEVER FORGOTTEN, NEVER LET IT DISAPPEAR! And speaking of my sleep issues....HOW IT MAKES ME WEEP, CAUSE SOMONE SENT MY SOUL TO SLEEP! Tears for Fears..Advice for the Young At Heart!