Thursday, July 23, 2009


Since Vicki's death in December, Hospice has been in touch with me periodically. I haven't taken advantage of their services directly since I have a wonderful therapist to talk to! In addition, I have a great Church to attend and the minister has really been kind to me, just as he was to Vicki before during and after her illness. Still, every so often, I receive packets of information from Hospice and the timing is always perfect for what I am feeling and the information is validating and soothing.

I have been feeling very down at times and what is more scary is that sometimes I just want to cloister myself and not share what I am feeling! Sometimes I just still feel sick inside and the loneliness is incredible. I have never spent so much time alone in my entire life! Most people just seem to have moved on and I understand that for them. But for me, my life is upside down and very different in so many ways! I guess it feels like I am now out at sea and I can no longer see the safety of land. The sea is turbulent and unfamiliar...I am lost in some way! To add to this feeling is the fact that budget issues at school caused the administration to change my job. My new position is very different and completely new to me. Of course, everyone at school pep talked me and tried to convince me of how good this change would be for me. But what they don't understand was that my job was the one thing that had not changed and become tumultuous. Now my whole life has changed and the stress is unbearable and I cannot continue to hide that fact. Even as I sit here typing I can feel the emotion welling up in me. I am just not sure I can hold up under that much stress. Of course in the middle of all of this, Bailey, my son has had two surgeries to repair a broken arm. OK, enough already.

Well, back to Hospice and their packet that came in the mail today! It talked about the subtle difference between saying "time heals" and "It takes time to heal"....the latter implying being an active participant in the grieving process is better. The last year and a half have taken a lot out of me and I saw this summer as a few months to try to de-stress, but the looming job change and the work required to be ready at the end of August is daunting. I have tried to stay in the moment but thoughts of what I should be doing overwhelm.

Sometimes I am very aware of the fact that I feel so sad so often. Certainly, I have a living life depression and every once in a while I will feel joy or happiness or good feeling and I say to myself..."that's right, that is what good feels like" and then of course it vanishes under the weight of this life! The good news is that I see that the light still exists and that there is hope for more. That is what today's newsletter from Hospice was about. The page I am referring to started with this scripture.....

...weeping may endure for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning.--Psalms 30:5b

Then they included this excerpt from GETTING THROUGH THE NIGHT by Eugenia Price

When is morning? When does the night end? When will the nights be peaceful again? When will I simply go to bed and to sleep--as I once did? When will I feel a surge of hope? When will my night end? When will my morning get here?

I thought you would like to know that today, about five thirty in the morning, the first ray of hope came. Until that moment my grief had spread over everything - like a sky. But in the real sky, today, there was a morning light that somehow looked different from all other mornings since my wonderful son was killed. I can't explain it, but the pale gold light, for just an instant, lifted my heart. The relief was only momentary, even though I tried to grab and hold it. But there it was, and now that the darkness has rushed back in, I refuse to let go of the fact of that light.

This so validates my feelings right now. And takes me right back to this blog and it's title, Night Sea Journey. Here I am in the belly of the whale and I am trapped, aware of movement but unsure of where I am going and where I will end up. At this very moment a song has flooded into my mind.....

Lastly, I want to post one more song by Savage Garden.....Hold just keep popping in my head and i try to be organic in my posts....maybe just because being held can feel so good!


1 comment:

  1. You share your feelings so deeply and so eloquently...I admire your soul searching and depth. I wish I had more of that ability to peer inside myself. Thank you Stephen!