Monday, July 6, 2009

The Middle Man

I am bouncing back and forth between trying to remained focused on the spiritual aspects of this life I am living and the pain and sorrow that can overwhelm at times. Music and art keep me introspective and mostly positive. I know this is a deep and spiritual time for me and I feel myself becoming rather reclusive and contemplative. The problem with that is that some people do not understand and resent the space I am creating for myself and in fact may pull away too far. "Emily Dickinson said that her penchant for solitude was like the minor key in music, a refreshing alternative to the brighter major key." Others, even those who proclaimed that Vicki's illness was a kind of gift that taught them to remain close to family rather than distant, have barely been heard from as Bailey and I struggle together to maintain our life which feels so very different than before! I try not to be bitter and I turn to inspirational writing like LOVINGKINDNESS by Sharon Salzberg. I know we can create happiness but to try too hard to BE HAPPY might be an escape from the reality of this life that fate has given me. There have been a precious few who have quietly and actively inspired me to remain connected and alive. To those few I say THANK YOU, your gift has been appreciated. Obviously, I try to take one day at a time and I realize that I am imperfect, a hypocrite and probably create some of my own despair. It has been more than six months since Vicki's death and yet there are still moments like it happened yesterday! No one can make this all better and like Thomas Moore says, "The movement in your darkness may be difficult to sense, but it may be present nonetherless. You may not be advancing, but you are quiet motion. There you are, suffering your fate, stuck in some container that keeps your precious life at bay, and there you have a special beauty, a pulse that can be felt only in the dark." Today I spent a lot of time orgainzing Vicki's recipes. She had lots of them and many were written in her handwriting. Sounds simple, but so very difficult, and yet in some dark kind of way, comforting. I'd rather she be here to use them and I will try to preserve (and yes use some) when I can. I ripped this song onto my hard drive today.....


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